


Couples Therapy

by BoringMacaroni



Category: Original Work
Genre: Eproctophilia, F/M, Fantasy, Fart Fetish, Farting, Fetish, Flatulence, Gassy Guy, He was a troll, Male Farting, She was a fairy, can i make it anymore obvious, farting fetish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-22
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-06 12:34:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14057109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoringMacaroni/pseuds/BoringMacaroni
Summary: Be careful what you wish for.





	1. A New World

_We gotta start heading back, Ti. It's getting late._

_Oh, come on! You've barely spent any time with me tonight. You owe me this._

_That wasn't my fault. Those girls were just fans. You know that, right?_

_If you love me you'll do it._

Tatiana awoke with a start.

The side of her head was pulsating, as though it had been hit with a big blunt object. A frying pan, perhaps, maybe like the one Grandma had, the one she'd use to fry her special pork-chops in. Hefty and rusted, coated in stains from dinners long past. Yeah, a smack to the temple from  _that_  could make you feel like this. She half-expected to look in her mirror and see cartoon birds flying in circles around her aching skull.

And her throat. Her throat felt like it had been the victim of a night of vodka being the only mixer to shots of  _more_  vodka. When she swallowed, she felt the full brunt of that sickly, flu-like taste, slathered all over her gullet like paste. When she swallowed she gagged. When she let it linger in her mouth, she felt even worse.

The thought of getting out of bed and inspecting either ailments made Tatiana shudder. Her body was weak. She had taken a beating in some form, whether it be self-inflicted or not; but for the life of her, she couldn't recall what exactly had led to this state.

Not that she  _wanted_  to know. Who ever did? Nights like the one that had inevitably resulted in this were best left repressed, she felt. The only thing worse than a hangover was recounting the mistakes you made under the influence of cheap alcohol and wayward minds.

The sun streamed in from her room’s skylight, warming her dark face. Tatiana didn't dare open her eyes to greet it. She had no motivation to start the day. She groaned and rolled onto her side, immersing herself in her blanket. It was a little scratchy to the touch, but not uncomfortable. The air around her was hot and fresh—she must've left her windows open when she got home last night. The temperature was surprisingly mild for what had to be quite early in the morning. Summer was unusually eager this year.

She and Gabe could go down to the lake once she was feeling better, on one of their many midnight escapades. They’d take a blanket and a few pillows and maybe a rubber and make love parked under the birch trees. Afterwards they would feed each other those stupid gas station sandwiches he liked. He could afford a steak dinner every night of the week, yet gas station sandwiches were the height of Gabriel’s palette.

Tatiana laughed herself into a doze.  _What a goob_ , she thought, barely fighting the incoming unconsciousness, though there was something nagging her when she pictured her boyfriend in her mind.

She slept for a further five minutes before she realised that she wasn't inside.

Wasn't in her bedroom in her parents’ house. Wasn't curled up in her four-poster bed, praying that her little sister's clarinet instructor was late and she had a few more minutes of peace and quiet to enjoy. Definitely wasn't wrapped up in her favourite silky blanket, numbing out the noises of the household.

She was outside. She was out in the open.

She was covered in  _dirt._

"Ah!"

Tatiana shrieked and scrambled to her feet. She was caked head-to-toe in dry soil. Both hands worked hastily at removing the messiness. Her vision swiftly focused, but all she could see was darkness. Darkness that had a distinct, greenish hue to it.

Shaking, Tatiana slowly lifted her head, but the green went on. It reached right up toward a bright blue sky before coming to a pointed end. There were clouds up there, fluffy and white, and a golden sun that shone down on her and made her feel relaxed. Or it  _usually_  would, if the world didn't suddenly seem like it was designed for a person much bigger than she was.

She gasped, but the noise sounded much too small.

Tatiana tried to get up and fell. When she tried again, she used the green structure surrounding her as something to lean her weight against and stabilise her unsteady legs. It was smooth to the touch, and a tad wet, and it smelled fresh. Like her aloe vera body moisturiser. Or the plants on the window when she walked into the kitchen in the morning, on the hunt for orange juice and a slice of toast. 

Tatiana drew her gaze all around her, spinning in circles despite her sore head begging her to stop. All she could see were those green...  _things._ Poles, maybe. They rose up like a wall and trapped her in a square patch. She felt anxiety budding in the pit of her stomach, hands trembling as she cupped them around her mouth.

Only one person came to mind, one name to her lips.

_"Gabe!"_

No answer. His name echoed all around her, bouncing off the poles and disappearing again. This had to be a dream. And if she was dreaming, then she really _was_ still sleeping, and more often than not Gabriel would be right there beside her. She tried again. There was no response.

Tatiana was all alone.

Alone in this...  _place._

Amidst the panic, some clarity came shining through: get higher, it said. Get a better look. The teenager stepped forward and cautiously touched one of the green poles closest to her. It was sturdier than it looked. She could climb to the top of it and find out where she was and things would make sense then…  _hopefully._

She kicked herself up and wrapped her arms around it. Carefully and slowly, she ascended. She could feel the pole swaying underneath her weight, although she couldn't imagine she had much of it at this height (the one bonus to this disaster, perhaps.) Once she got to the top she understood the swaying was because of a passing breeze. But if she held on tightly enough, she could have a proper inspection.

Another minuscule gasp emitted from Tatiana’s dried up throat. She was in a forest. Huge, ungodly-sized trees surrounded her, their black roots penetrating deep into the underground. Their branches entwined so heavily that they formed a roof over the top of the clearing, making everything seem darker than it was, although the heat was still there thanks to the sun splitting through the tree’s twisted limbs. It was almost unbearably humid out here. It took her a couple of moments to recall who she was looking for. 

The thick head of hair gave it away, as golden as the sun. She didn't notice that his skin had an odd hue to it, not unlike the grass in colour.

What she did notice was how freaking  _huge_  Gabriel was.

He lay on his side about ten yards from her. He must've been fifty-feet in height, and God knows what in length.

"Gabe," she gasped, trying to wet her throat. She called out to him desperately. "Gabe! Wake up! Please!"

Gabriel was still asleep, still dreaming. In his mind, he was at an audition for the movie his agent, Tony, had been discussing during their last meeting. The King Arthur story, perhaps the nineteenth adaption of it this decade alone, but none of that mattered to Gabe. It was to be a star vehicle for him, if he could prove his worth on the big screen.   
  
He had only been in television to date. Not that his success there wasn't considerable—he was, to many, the best part of the show he starred in, and the reason the ratings were as high as they were. He had been the centrepiece on nine covers out of twelve issues for  _Jaguar Rhythm_ last year, the biggest teen magazine in the States, and was undoubtedly a permanent resident of thousands of bedroom walls across America. 

 _Maybe even the globe,_  Tony had suggested excitedly.  _We hear you're getting real big in China. They like your floppy hair._

The audition was daunting. The casting directors were looking at him like he was carrying a new strain of bubonic plague. And Brad,  _he_  was there, looking as smug as ever. And he was laughing at Gabriel, reminding him to  _check his shoe, Gabie_...

Gabriel's muscles tensed in his sleep. This dream was hurriedly becoming a nightmare.

He didn't move when Tatiana called to him. He wouldn't be able to hear her, so she'd have to get closer. The breeze had become a wind that picked up briskly around her. Underneath her the pole, which she now realised was a tall grass reed, began to sway dangerously. It was coming down, and she was going to go with it. She screamed, tumbled and fell onto a lawn of softer, shorter grass.

Gabriel was still just as far away, but this terrain would be easier to cross. Despite how sick she felt Tatiana charged ahead, desperate to catch him before he disappeared. If shewas dreaming, she knew how cruel dreams liked to be: he could get up and start walking away from her any minute now.

"Gabriel! Gabe, wake up!"

His eyes twitched behind closed lids, and then they flickered open. Bright blue hues tried to adjust to the sudden sunlight, and judging by the way he looked, Tatiana could see that her boyfriend was feeling just as rough as she was. What on earth did they get up to last night?

She didn’t care. Even just seeing him made her grin, and she rushed toward the blonde, frantically waving her arms.

"Gabe! Gabe, can you hear me?"

Gabriel looked up with a confused expression on his freckled face, trying to figure out the whereabouts of the voice.

"GABRIEL! Down here!"

Finally, Gabriel looked down. He cast a massive shadow over Tatiana. She saw his eyes widen and his mouth fall open in shock. Then, in unison, the couple cried at each other:

_"You're so small!"_

_"You're so big!"_

Gabriel's dark brown eyebrows furrowed. "But Ti..."

"No, _you're_  big," Tatiana insisted. She stretched her arms up into the air as a vague depiction of his new measurement.

"Huge! You're like a giant, Gabriel!"

Gabe lifted his head and studied the foreign scene, familiarising himself with their strange surroundings. Unsteadily, he got to his feet and Tatiana was careful to get out of his way before he crushed her. She couldn't understand what he was looking for until she saw him studying one of the nearby trees. If she thought _he_  was big, it was so large her stomach started to flip.

He was gauging his size. Gabriel walked toward it and reached out a hand to touch it, then looked up at its curling branches. Then he looked back down at Tatiana, and she saw that there was pity in his sapphire eyes.

"Ti..."

Tatiana was having the same realisation, and bit on her plump bottom lip to stop it from trembling. Gabe gradually lowered himself as close as he could get to her level and extended his hand, palm flat for his girlfriend to climb up on.

"Tati," Gabe started softly, " _You're_  tiny. This place... it's normal-sized.  _Me_ -sized. Look."

Tatiana begrudgingly stepped forward and onto her boyfriend's hand. His skin was still soft, despite the change in shade. He rose again, and she could see that the world they currently inhabited was still not the one she had fallen asleep in last night. But Gabe was right. Everything fit  _his_  size, not hers.

_How come she had shrunk?_

"What's happened?" she uttered breathlessly, eyes widening as she took it all in. "Gabe, what's happened to us?"

Gabriel shook his head. "I don't know. We must've... maybe we're..."

"Why am I so  _small_ , Gabe?!"

Tatiana began to sob, though she hated herself for it. She was usually the one who retained a strong level of calmness during hectic scenarios. Ashamed, she covered her face with her hands. Gabriel's expression softened at once and he held her closer to his chest, reaching out a hand to gently stroke her hair—before he realised that a finger might be best.

"Sssh, Ti, it's okay. You gotta take it easy."

"Gabe, I have  _wings!_ "

"No you...  _what?_ "

Pushing her hair out of her face and onto her back had brought a horrible discovery upon Tatiana. When she touched her spine, she felt two extremities growing out of it. The weird part was that it felt  _normal._  As though they had always been there.

"Look!"

Gabriel blinked in amazement, squinting so he could see them clearly. His finger brushed against the large, light appendages. Tatiana squeaked and flinched and started to cry again.

"Don't you do that! I'm not a hamster," she bubbled. Gabriel smiled weakly, unsure of how to reassure her.

"Baby, don't cry. We'll fix this."

"Gabe, where are we?"

"I don't know."

"Why are we like this?"

"I don't know!" Gabriel exclaimed. He looked around, still shaking his head, then glanced back at Tatiana with determination. "But I think we might be dreaming. Didn't your doctor say you were a lactose dreamer?"

"Lucid, pretty boy," Tatiana snorted as she wiped away warm tears.

"Whatever. Maybe it's one of those dreams."

"But why would you be in it?"

Gabriel looked mock-offended. "Like you don't dream about me," he smirked cockily. Tatiana crossed her arms.

"No, not as a goblin."

"A what?"

Tatiana's heart sank. It had only just clicked: Gabriel's green skin wasn't the only thing different about him.

His ears were pointed, no longer round at the tips. His fingernails had sharpened into claws on both hands. The whites of his eyes had yellowed. His teeth, once perfectly straight, were all now slightly crooked, and he had a fanged tooth jutting up from his lower-set, like some goofy Halloween mask underbite. Despite all of this, she thought he still looked adorable. 

"Or... a troll. I think you're a troll, actually."

She gestured to her own mouth, miming where the tooth was. Gabriel's hand shook as he felt the changes for himself.

"Oh my god."

Now it was Tatiana’s turn to be sympathetic. "Gabriel, it's not so bad, I— _ahhh!_ "

She hung on for dear life as her boyfriend broke into a run.

"Gabriel! Stop!  _Slow down! Slow down...!_ "

Gabriel threw himself to his knees. Tatiana peeked out from behind his closed hand and saw that he was looking at his reflection in a murky pond. He stared in silent horror.

"I'm... I'm  _ugly._ "

"No you're not," Tatiana said kindly. "You're just... greener, baby. That's all."

"My beautiful face. My face..."

Gabriel began to pant. His throat had tightened. It felt like he couldn't breathe.

"I gotta wake up. I gotta wake up!"

He used his free hand to splash water onto himself. Tatiana dived out of the way to avoid the falling drops.

"I gotta wake up! This can't be real-"

"It's not a dream, Gabe!" Tatiana shrilled, trying to calm him down. "We can't both be having the same dream. Dreams don't have multiplayer options."

"But it can't be real! I can't be ugly. I just  _can't_."

"Something happened last night, something... oh my god." Tatiana's entire body stiffened. "That old man!"

The pulsating was back and stronger than ever, so powerful it was making her feel dizzy. Hazy memories rewound Tatiana's cloudy mind to the prior evening.

 _Tell me, child. What's troubling you_?

_It's my boyfriend. All these girls always wanna talk to him, make him sign their **STUPID** magazines, and I can barely get a word in! We never get to spend any time together anymore. I just wanna be with him. I just want it to be us, only us, forever._

She shook it all out of her head, blinking, stunned at what she had seen. Or rather,  _heard_ , because the images in her mind were too blurry to comprehend. When her vision refocused she saw that Gabe was staring at her.

"What old man?" he asked.

Tatiana composed herself and stood up on his hand. "Nothing. Look, we have to do something about this. We have to figure out where we are. Any ideas?"

Gabriel looked around helplessly. "Well, it ain't Kansas."

"Maybe if we explore a bit, we might wake up. We could just be in a coma or something."

" _Very_  reassuring, Ti."

"Let's just..."

_"TI!"_

Tatiana jumped at the sudden cry from her boyfriend. He was shuddering. Tatiana couldn't see what was bothering him.

"What? What is it, Gabe?!"

"I have..."

He slowly held up his hand. In it was a limp, long...

"I have a  _tail._ "

The tail was the same colour as his skin. It was thick, with a fluffy, tufted tip like a cow's. Tatiana wanted to sympathise with his unusual plight, but she couldn't help but snort. 

"Well, join the club. I have wings, you have a tail. We'll just have to deal with it for now."

Gabriel drew his free hand down his paling face. He was starting to feel unwell.

"This can't be happening... this isn't happening... it’s all a dream… you don't  _really_  have a tail, Gabe..." he told himself.

Tatiana observed the area they had woken up in. She'd make a mental note of this place so they could come back to it if they got lost—God forbid they get lost out  _here._

"Come on, Gabe," she said confidently. "Let's look around a little. Maybe we'll find someone who can help us."

Slowly and uncertainly, Gabriel began to walk forward. He continued to mutter about his change of appearance, stunned into a daze. Tatiana tried to settle herself on his hand but the ride was too bumpy there. And her boyfriend was getting a little too sweaty for her liking.

"Gabe, it's like  _Honey I Shrunk The Kids_  down here. Can you lift me higher? ... Gabe?"

The blonde snapped out of his reverie and nodded, lifting her up his slim torso.

"Shoulder?" he suggested.

"Hm... try the hair."

Gabriel brought her to his head and Tatiana jumped on board. She smiled: Gabe's hair was the same as it had always been, luscious and oh-so-soft. The teen magazines might have described it as having the same texture as  _marshmallowy kitten clouds,_ albeit against Gabe's will. She lay on her tummy, nestled in securely among his honey-coloured locks. For the first time that day Tatiana actually felt at ease. 

"You good, Ti?"

"Uh huh. You ready big guy?"

"As I'll ever be," Gabe let out a frail laugh.

Tatiana tugged on a chunk of his hair and pointed ahead. "That way!" 

But Gabriel didn't budge.

"Ti?"

"Yes?"

"This isn't  _Ratatouille_."

"Oh. Sorry."

* * *

"We must remember  _something_."

Tatiana mused as they ventured through the remainder of the forest. It had been less than an hour, but it felt like longer to the couple. Tatiana suspected it was because of the heat. They weren't used to this kind of climate.

"We must've been on a date, or something like that. That's why we were together. But where did we  _go?_ "

Gabriel was still shook up from the discovery earlier on, and wasn't contributing much, but Tatiana didn't mind. She knew he was listening.

"I'm drawing a blank here... but I  _do_  remember bright lights. And a popcorn smell, like a fairground. Did we go to a fair...?"

"We had another argument," Gabe murmured, almost to himself. "A bad one."

Tatiana blinked, then looked a little shame-faced. She leaned over the top of Gabe's head, glancing down to see the expression on his face. Her tone was quiet, even for her size.

"We did?"

Gabe's big blue eyes glimpsed up at her as he nodded.

"Oh." Tatiana sat back again, swallowing anxiously. "Well, that's not important right now."  _Little too busy with being the cast of Shrek,_  she thought. She concentrated on navigating for the two of them, and to her surprise, the forest was coming to an end.

"Hey, Gabriel! Look up ahead! We're nearly out of it."

Gabriel picked up the pace. The forest was soon behind them and now they were marching toward the brow of a tall hill. He stopped just before it. Tatiana had a much better view from here.

"What's that down there?" She asked, narrowing her eyes to focus on what appeared to be a large group of tents in the distance. It seemed out of place, seeing that everything else around it was nothing but barren grasslands, occupied only by scattered flocks of rogue sheep.

"Looks like a marketplace," Gabe noted.

"Whatever it is, it's something, at least." Tatiana felt instant relief. At least they weren't completely alone out here.

Although, the quiet  _had_  made for a nice change. There wasn't many places she and Gabriel could go without their outing being disrupted by one of his fans. He had been at the peak of his popularity for what felt like two years. He couldn't even walk into a 7-Eleven to buy milk without being recognised and heckled because of his fame.

She supposed she should've been used to it—they had been dating since they were fifteen, and she was eighteen now, but it had been testing her more often than normal lately.

"Let's go, Gabe. There's gotta be someone down there who knows what's going on."

Gabe nodded and she hung on tightly as he started to head over the brow, beginning to descend the downhill slope.

"But, for curiosity's sake," Tatiana continued, "What else do you remember about last night?"

"Well, I think we-"

But Tatiana couldn't concentrate on her boyfriend's answer. The smell was back.

 _"Oy,"_  she complained, waving a hand in front of her face to try and break up the bad odour. It wasn't a smell, it was a  _stench._  It reeked of shit and stale garbage, and, most distinctly, of Gabe.

Tatiana glanced over her shoulder, head tilted downward. She couldn't help but notice the way her boyfriend's tail fluttered as he walked, as though it was being pushed away from his rump by some invisible force. Air, perhaps.  _Gas._

She scrunched her face up in disgust and tugged on his hair.

"Gabe, can you do me a favour, please?"

"What?"

She clenched her jaw. "Stop. Farting."

Gabe blushed and halted.

"I... I'm not farting."

"You've been ripping them for the past hour, Gabriel! Cut it out. It stinks," she pulled a face. "And it's distracting me."

"H-How'd you know it's farts? Maybe I just have a musk now," he argued nervously. "You know, I always wanted a musk..."

"I'm your girlfriend. I know your brand." Tatiana rolled her eyes and yanked his hair. Gabriel started to move again. "Plus, I've spent plenty of nights with you after your Mom's three-cheese burritos." She laughed. "She used to say  _'you turn a fiesta into a fiasco.'_ "

"That's why she's in advertising," he grumbled.

Gabriel's cheeks were burning. He was thankful Tatiana couldn't see his reaction.

"Sorry, Ti, it's just ever since I woke up I've..." He trailed off, nibbling tentatively on his lip.

"What?"

"…I’ve been really gassy."

His answer had come out with an embarrassed whine underlying it. Clearly he hadn’t wanted her to notice, and he was even more reluctant to admit to it.

A pang of sympathy hit Tatiana's gut. She knew how Gabe felt about his own bodily functions. After  _the incident that must not be discussed_ , he had become even more self-conscious. It had been an adventure trying to coax him into vomiting during a food poisoning outbreak not too long ago. The craft service on his TV show had messed up the dates of the chicken and got the whole cast sick. He hated being out of control, although she didn't know anyone who enjoyed blowing chunks over themselves.

But he _really_  didn't like it, especially when other people could see him. Tatiana and his mother were the only people he tolerated. She had kept his hair out of his face, rubbed his back and whispered comforting things into his ear.

She supposed she'd have to do the same thing now.

Well... as best as she could at this size.

"Stop, Gabriel," she instructed.

Gabe came to such an abrupt halt that Tatiana had to jump forward to strengthen her grip on his hair. She'd remember to give a little more warning to him next time.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just let me down."

Gabe obeyed. She hopped onto a nearby boulder and Gabe squatted beside her, tail swaying absentmindedly at his bottom. She figured he didn't even know he was doing it—it would take a while for him to become used to having a tail. Just like her with her wings. When she thought about them, she felt them twitch behind her.

"Let's rest for a while," she suggested with a smile. "You can get it out of your system."

Gabriel frowned. She had lost him.

" _Fart_ , Gabe. Get it out of you. I don't want you cramping the whole way there. I've no idea how long it's gonna take until we find somebody... or  _something._  I don't want you hurting, baby."

Gabriel laughed, stunned at such an idea. Didn't she know he could barely poop without the door being shut and locked?

"It's not so bad, Ti."

"Gabriel," she addressed him sternly.

Gabe tried to avoid her stare, but Tatiana knew exactly how he worked. He shyly met her gaze, and sighed, relenting.

"Fine."

"It's just gas," Tatiana reminded him. "We all do it."

His tail swished and he side-eyed her, unsure of how comfortable he was with farting  _on purpose_  in front of his girlfriend. She could let rip all she liked in front of him, but he'd rather die than do it consciously.

"I really don't need to..."

He grit his teeth when his stomach rumbled, a loud, bubbling sound that seemed to reverb. It was his gut reminding him of all the wind that was building up in there. The more he held it in, the more it brewed in his bloated middle. The swishing became a little more furious, and Tatiana had to suppress a giggle at how adorable he looked.

With a sigh, Gabriel tried to relax his lower-half. He was already squatting, which helped, and he could tell that there was large enough of an exit back there for him to get out what he needed to. He didn't need to spread his legs.

He sucked in a quiet breath. He could sense that Tatiana was waiting. Gabriel closed his eyes. As juvenile as it was, not looking at her made it so that she wasn't there at all.

"You better not laugh."

"I won't," Tatiana smiled sweetly.

"And when we get back, you don't tell anyone-"

"Oh, Gabe, just get on with it!"

Gabriel sighed. With a hesitant groan, he lifted his tail.

A sharp burst of foul air belched out of his backside like the initial, doubtful note of a first-time trumpet player, loud and deep but short. The noisiness took them both by surprise, but Gabe managed to conceal his inner feelings, although his cheeks reddened. His eyes opened and he looked expectantly at Tatiana.

"Well? What's my grade, Teach?"

"Gabe, you've ripped bigger ones in your sleep."

"I don't have to-" He winced as his stomach churned. The bubbling was getting worse. Tatiana noticed his belly quivering underneath his shirt. "- _don't_  have to go."

"You've always been such a horrible liar," Tati teased and turned away. She hoped it might make it easier for him. "It's a wonder you can act so good. Put some back into it next time!"

 _Next time._  Gabe shook his head and pushed back a handful of blonde hair. Part of him now felt like he was trying to _impress_  her, which was weird and quite gross. But he was an actor, competitive by nature, and he'd comply for the sake of shutting her up—and his stomach, too.

Tail still lifted, he closed his eyes and grunted harder, and pushed this time, hoping the effects might be different.

They were. An even noisier bout of flatulence ripped out of his backside, longer than the previous and a  _lot_  more relieving. The fart's airy strength tickled the hair on his tail tip, making the dirty-blonde strands wave in his wind. Gabe managed to hold back a sigh before he embarrassed himself by suggesting that it had felt  _good._

"Better," Tati smirked. "But not great. I should've figured, though."

"Figured what?" Gabriel spat, holding his gut. It was starting to tighten and cramp.

"A pretty boy like you. You can't  _fart_."

"What're you talking about, Tatiana?"

"You know what I mean. It's... a real man's work."

She had to stop herself from laughing at how ridiculous she sounded, but she could see that her ruse had been a success: Gabe's hands balled into tight fists. On some level he knew she was trying to rile him up, but it didn't stop him.

His tail hitched up higher in the air, and he started to forcibly push the mass inside of him down and out. His thighs trembled as he worked. Tatiana could see he was concentrating, and she knew she was about to erupt with the worst bout yet. She lifted her shirt up over her nose. Gabe's stomach gurgled nosily. His grunts were becoming a steadily building groan.

Suddenly, he let rip with an enormous fart. The raucous gust rushed out of his backside in a billowing force, knocking over the grass reeds behind him. The stench spread out rapidly around the duo. Tatiana felt her eyes begin to sting at its potency.

Her boyfriend moaned as the timbre of his fart dropped to something not unlike a tuba, and it was no longer a rush, but something that sputtered out of him in short batches, and required a little extra effort on his part to release. His face darkened as he continued to push. The birthing of this blast wasn't as simple as the others had been but by the way his back arched, Tatiana could see that his work was already paying off.

 _Wow, he's really going,_  she thought in silent wonderment.  _Wonder what he ate._

The fart finished on a higher-pitched burst, and Gabe's tufted tail dropped to the ground with a pleasant thump. He fell back, propping himself up against the boulder, and used a free hand to rub his belly. Tatiana laughed and tried to ignore how sore her nose was from being pinched. Judging by the way her eyes were watering, letting go wasn't an option.

"Now that's more like it. I  _know_  you needed that!"

Gabriel sighed, head lolling back in pleasure. Tatiana giggled when she saw that his tail was wagging from her encouragement. There was something strangely endearing about his reaction, and a tad arousing, too.

She swiftly put the thought out of her mind.

Gabriel's gut still looked a little round to her, swollen by all the gas that was still inside. Tatiana frowned. How much more could he have in there? He was looking a lot happier, though, and with this newfound confidence, they might be able to get it all out and back on track in the next half hour.

His stomach rumbled again. "Uh oh..."

"Sounds to me like you got another round to go," she grinned. "Let 'er rip!"

Gabe lifted an eyebrow. "You sure? This one feels kinda... big."

Tatiana pinched her nostrils together even tighter than before and gave her boyfriend an enthusiastic thumbs-up. Gabriel cracked a small smile.

His legs were sore from the squatting, and the grass was a warm, inviting bed. He remained on his side, and shifted so that he could lift one of his legs, allowing for an easier release. His tail raised along with it. He pat his grumbling gut.

"Fire in the hole!"

"Tatiana, please."

"Sorry," she laughed. "Go on, maestro."

Gabe shook his head in disapproval, grit his teeth and pushed.

A fart blasted out, and then another, and another. Long-ish, and sharp to begin with. But the more he let out, the deeper they got. Tatiana watched as his gut heaved with each individual rupture of gas that was released. His tail was rising and falling behind him, being blown back into the air every time he broke wind. One side of Gabe's mouth twitched as he really focused, and then suddenly his back arched, muscles going taut. Something was happening inside of him.

"Oh  _god_ ," he groaned apprehensively. The fingers of his free hand dug into the soil beneath him. Tatiana took an instinctive step back. Gabe clenched his jaw and grabbed his tail.

He yanked hard.

Explosive flatulence erupted out of Gabe's round behind in a sudden, raging storm. A cacophony of gusty farts tore out of his hole, a sound that was full of weighty brass. It didn't sound like the sort of fart you'd think would come out of a boy like Gabe, slim and boyishly handsome, the star of every magazine pin-up. It didn't sound like the sort of fart that would come out of a human.

 _Then again,_ Tatiana thought, with a hint of sadness, _he isn't human anymore._

"Oooh..." Gabe was sighing in relief, even as the fart continued to go on. It was a lot more light and windy now, but it was just as strong. If she had been behind him she'd be at the marketplace before she could blink.

Tatiana watched, awed. How long was he planning to go on for?

"Uh, Gabe," she said.

The gas thundered over the sound of her voice. Gabe held his tail in the air, wanting to concentrate solely on getting it out of his system, just as she had advised. Well, his system was evidently clogged today, and this felt  _fantastic._  His gas sputtered on.

"Gabe," Tatiana repeated, a little louder. Gabriel bit into his lip as the fart suddenly experienced its second wind; the brassiness was back, purring out of him like ripped cloth. It spluttered against the seat of his jeans.

"Ooh man..."

_"GABRIEL!"_

The fart came to an abrupt, puttering end. Gabe let go of his tail and looked at her like she had grown two heads (which, considering the day's events so far, wouldn't be a surprise.)

"What?"

"Do you mind?! You've been farting for the past ten minutes!"

"Oh," Gabriel blinked, then blushed. " _Oh._  Sorry, it's just..."

"Christ, Gabe, what'd you eat last night?" She waved a hand in front of her face, using her whole arm when it seemed like the smell wouldn't dissipate. 

"I dunno," he shrugged timidly. "You told me to get it out of my system, Ti."

"Yeah. Not to destroy what's left of the ozone layer," she quipped and hesitantly let go of her nose. She immediately took in a breath of his smelly gas. Choking and coughing, she gestured for him to pick her up again.

"But I'm still not done," Gabriel sounded miserable. His stomach yowled unhappily as he returned Tatiana to his hair.

"Put a cork in it. We have to find help.  _Especially_  you. That is not normal."

Tatiana settled on top of his head. Gabriel stretched his legs and ambled forward. His tail swatted at a small group of flies buzzing downwind of him.

"Onward, noble steed!" she cried valiantly, tugging at his hair.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "I'm not a pony, you know."

Both of them flinched when his tail shot up into the air and he farted loudly. The flies were blasted back six feet behind them.

Gabe awkwardly cleared his throat.

"Heh… 'scuse me."

"You're right," Tatiana groaned, fanning the air as the miasma wafted upward. "You're a Clydesdale."

Gabe sighed dejectedly. "You  _promise_  you won't tell anybody when we get back?"

"Gabriel, this is the weirdest thing to ever happen to me. The only person I'll be telling is my therapist. And he gets paid to NOT spill the beans."

She could sense him looking up at her with those big, dewy eyes of his.  _The eyes that got him on TV,_  she thought.  _He looks just like a puppy._

"I'm kidding, honey. And I promise," she gave his head a soothing pat. "This all stays between you and me."


	2. The Marketplace

The sounds of the marketplace were getting louder as the duo neared the tents. From Gabe's head, Tatiana could make out the vague hollering of those trying to sell goods from their stalls, the rhythmic thudding of clopping hooves, and, strongest of all to her ears, the noise of food being prepared: clangs and clashes of metal serving dishes, the swift, expert chopping of knives and the satisfying sizzle of cooking meat.

It was a familiar and comforting symphony that awakened the chef in her; if she had been back home, she'd be getting ready to fix tonight's dinner for her family. Or, if her head wasn't feeling so fragile, she might've made it into work to clean the dishes and assist Chef Raul with the evening rush. A twinge of homesickness stung her stomach, but she ignored it, as she had gotten used to doing all morning.

Whatever dishes were being concocted smelled absolutely tantalising. Tatiana's nostrils flared as she took in a big hit of herb-roasted vegetables, but unfortunately those scents weren't quite as strong as the ones coming from her troll-turned boyfriend. The combination of heat and prolonged exercise was getting to Gabriel and she was beginning to pick up noticeable traces of his B.O in the wind.

He had been transporting her across the vibrant grasslands for the past twenty minutes, yet it seemed like the group of tents weren’t getting any closer. His pace was slowing and his panting was growing heavier. Tatiana felt him coming to an exhausted stop, but couldn't prepare herself for when he bent over suddenly, hands on his knees, swinging Tatiana forward and making her lunge for blonde locks to hold onto. Gabe heaved in a deep breath of fresh air, filling his tired lungs as best he could.

"This place..." He coughed and sucked in another desperate inhale, "...looked a lot closer when we were on the hill, Ti…"

Tatiana pulled some of the damp hair out of his eyes and gave his head a sympathetic clap.

"I know, big guy. But we’re almost there. Just one more push!"

Gabriel's tufted tail was blown into the air as he passed blustery gas. Tatiana heard him moan as the huge fart spilled out of his derriere.

"Not literally, of course," she remarked, briskly plugging her nose before the stench could reach her. She was still too late.

" _Ew!_  This is starting to get a little annoying, you know. Can't you at least  _try_  to hold it in?"

"I'm not doing it on purpose. I've got cramps," Gabe protested, clutching at his disturbed gut, tail flicking irritably. Loud rumbles emitted from underneath his shirt. "God, it really hurts! I’ve never had a stomachache like this before."

Tatiana let go of her nose and wasn't surprised to find herself regretting it. The atmosphere hadn't been safe since they started this journey. Judging by the odour, Gabe had let another one go. It stank of rotten eggs and made her throat contract in an impending gag. She fanned frantically at the invisible stink-cloud.

"Oh, c'mon! It being silent does NOT make it smell any better."

Gabriel cleared his throat and waved a hand behind him. Somehow, he hadn’t expected to get caught. "Sorry."

"Seriously," Tatiana hissed as he started back up again. "How the hell is it getting worse?"

"I 'unno," Gabe pouted and rubbed his noisy tummy. He glowered upwards to where his girlfriend was perched.

"How come  _you_  didn't get gassy, huh? Why's it gotta be me?"

Tatiana felt her wings twitch behind her. He had a point.

"Because I'm too busy starring in the second remake of  _The Fly,_ that's why. You must've ate  _some_ thing funky. Can't you remember? Was it Chinese food? You know what that does to you."

"I don't think I did. I don't feel full of food, Ti, I feel full of  _gas_."

He furthered this statement by raising his tail and letting out a series of deep-toned, rapid-fire farts.

"So I smell," Tati rolled her eyes. She sighed and swapped hands, letting the fingers on her left take the next shift at keeping her nostrils firmly closed.

Just like his girlfriend, Gabriel had been trying to recount last night's events ever since he woke up. If they were going to put together this puzzle, they had to have at least one piece to work from. But every time he thought he was successfully retracing his mental steps, the side of his head would begin to throb and his mind would go cloudy, and pretty soon he'd be right back where he started.

The one thing he  _could_  remember was the argument they had. If there was anything about last night he wished he could forget, it was that. He felt it best to keep it to himself for now. They had bigger fish to fry than discussing yet another one of their heated squabbles. 

"You know, I'm still on that kale diet thing... maybe it's that?"

 _Kale doesn't make that kind of stink,_  Tatiana thought, but a more pressing concern came to mind. "Wait. You're  _still_  on that diet?"

"Yeah."

"But you've been on it for weeks! Why?"

"Tony wants me to lose weight for my next set of headshots. He said I'm looking a little porky these days."

"Porky," Tatiana repeated, scoffing. "What a douchebag. Gabriel, you're fine. If anything, you need to gain a little muscle."

"Just like Brad?" Gabriel asked sarcastically. Tatiana could sense the anger building in him.

"Yeah, exactly," she smiled wryly, digging her knuckles into his hair. "Just like Mr. Perfect!"

"That's what Tony said," Gabe replied.

"Well, as always, Tony can go piss up a rope." 

Tatiana had hated Gabe's newest agent since they had first been introduced to one another. He was sly and seedy, but that seemed to be a job requirement in this industry and she had seen it in plenty of Gabe's prior agents. What Tatiana couldn't accept was how rude he could be, especially to a client as young and as high-paying as Gabriel. Her boyfriend deserved better. He was a hard worker with immense acting skill and a whole lot of potential, and he needed someone who could appreciate that— _aside_  from her.

"I think you should drop him. I miss your old agent. Cathie, was it? She was nice."

"Look, maybe after I get the King Arthur movie," Gabriel said. "Tony's the only one that's gotten me this close to a movie deal before. And if I don't get it, he'll-"

"He'll give it to Brad," Tatiana finished knowingly.

"Brad," Gabriel repeated, literally growling as he ground his crooked teeth. Tatiana blinked in surprise. She hadn't ever heard that noise come out of him before.

His stomach sounded its gurgling warning before a turbulent fart exploded out of his ass, making him sigh in pleasured relief. She had heard  _that_  noise—more than she would’ve preferred. She groaned tiredly as the sickly stench surrounded them.

After ten more minutes of walking, Tatiana was happy to see that they were finally coming up to the tents. In front of them were a row of horse asses, each of their maned heads bent down so they could feed. Their long tails swayed lazily behind them. 

"You better can it, trumpet-butt," Tatiana tugged on Gabriel's hair. "Looks like we're here."

Gabe stopped and looked up at the looming entrance-way. He carefully lifted his nose to the sky, ensuring Tatiana wouldn’t slide off his head, and took in all the smells on offer. He could scent keener than normal in his new form, though this improvement hadn't quite registered yet. The air was filled with the aroma of fresh food and the noises of bustling activity. The place sounded like it was packed with people. There had to be _someone_  in there that could help them.

"So what's the plan, coach?" he asked cheerfully, happy to have reached their destination at last.

"Uh, well, let's just act how we always do," Tatiana suggested, although it didn't sound like she had much faith in this plan. "If anybody asks, we're going to a costume party. We got lost on the way there. Sound good?"

Tatiana grabbed two locks of his hair and subconsciously jerked them like a horse's reins. Thankfully, Gabriel didn't notice—or if he did, he was tolerant enough by this point to ignore it.

The blonde moved forward and carefully passed through the makeshift arches. He kept his pace light and slow, just in case there was any trouble up ahead. When they got closer to the horses, Tatiana felt his body stiffen in shock, as though he had seen something he really hadn't wanted to.

She frowned curiously, trying to look for what had spooked him. "Gabe, what's the... oh my god."

The horses were only _half-_ horse. Extending from each of their muscular torsos were the topless upper-bodies of humans. All four were crouching down with their front legs bent, so they could eat bowls of salad that appeared to be served by a half-goat man.

Gabriel and Tatiana gasped together.

"Maybe it's one of those dork conventions," Gabriel muttered after a moment of shared stunned silence. Tatiana swallowed a lump in her throat and let him take them into the markets. It was dark and hazy for a while, then the sun broke through the open roof and everything was light again. On either side of the central pathway were stalls that were being hosted and examined by a variety of creatures. Orcs, elves and harpies were among some of the many species shopping that day. Everywhere around the duo was life of all kinds. 

All kinds but  _human_ , that is.

"What the hell is going on?" Tatiana squeaked, and in her panic she tightened her grip on Gabriel's hair. Gabe winced, but all he could focus on was trying to comprehend what they were looking at.

"Well, I don't think it's a convention, Tati. Unless these people are  _really_  good."

"What the fu—what the hell is that!" She pointed to a food stall on their right. A wolf with an apron tied around his waist was standing upright, grilling sausages over a barbecue. Occasionally his drool would drop into the steamy cooker and make it hiss. In front of the stall, an armour-adorned bear sat on a stool that could barely hold his weight, feasting on a plateful of various slabs of meat.

"Is that furry a meat vendor?!"

"At least we don't look too out of place," Gabriel noted with slight hope. Tatiana couldn't hold herself upright anymore. She collapsed on Gabe's head, letting him do the navigating for a change. Gabriel gradually joined the crowd, eyes cautiously taking it all in as they pushed through the commotion.

Two elf guards were observing the scene they had walked into. They were young adults starting out in their field: one shorter and fatter, one tall and lean, and both dressed in official attire. The short one nudged the other, rudely pulling him out of his nap.

"Hey, Mauro, look," he pointed at Gabriel and cackled. "Your favourite! Hah!"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Mauro grumbled and rubbed at his tired eyes. The other snorted. " _Another_ troll? Shit, this place is going to smell like a sewer in an hour."

He shifted uncomfortably on the spot he and his partner had been stationed at all morning.

"Hope they don't make too much mess today," he continued.

"They always do. Ain't happy unless they're wading in their own filth," the short one snipped. The two of them quickly composed themselves as the Head Guard walked by, assuming a stern, regimented expression for their boss. Once she was gone, they relaxed again.

"He's a young one, isn't he?" Mauro said. "Don't think I've ever seen one that young without their group... or pack... or whatever the fuck it is."

Gabriel's tail swatted the flies at his odorous rear as he and Tatiana disappeared into the bulk of the crowd.

"Hey," the short guard said, starting to laugh. "You know Porter from the Southside? He guards near a troll group. Says the young ones have this thing, where you pull their tail and they..." He interrupted himself with his own giggling. "They  _empty_  themselves."

Mauro balked. "Oh, Terr, that's horrid! I wish you never told me that."

"They can't control it as good as the old ones, mate. Wanna test it out?"

"No, I don't wanna test it out," Mauro snapped. "You know what troll farts smell like. It's like diarrhoea and vomit had a love-child. And then they baptised that love-child in centaur shit." He grimaced, swallowing the imaginary taste in his mouth.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," Terr reached into his pocket and took out a handful of multi-coloured coins. "How does five scruples sound?"

Mauro was impressed. "How did you...?"

"Those orcs tip good," Terr explained. Mauro sniffed, considering it, then looked away.

"Make it ten, and we have a deal."

"You having a laugh?"

Mauro shrugged and continued to stare blankly into the crowd. Terr sighed and dug another couple of coins out.

"How about eight, then?"

Mauro's hand shot out and he swiped them from Terr's palm. His mouth curled into a devious, greedy grin.

"Better cover your nose, my friend," he sneered.

* * *

Tatiana and Gabriel were wandering through the main channel of the marketplace, dodging all the liveliness going on around them. They seemed to be in some sort of dealer's den, with weapons and materials for sale on every stall and a lot more sitting areas for those who were dining. The path ahead of them split into three separate tunnels, all leading to more stalls and eateries.

For a while, the couple were too stupefied to do anything but traipse around aimlessly.

"So what's the plan here, exactly?" Gabe eventually yelled above the noise of the crowd.

"We're looking-" Tatiana knew he'd never hear her, and dropped down closer to his pointed ear. "Lookin' for help!"

"What kinda help?"

Tatiana scratched at her head and regarded who they had on offer. "Well, uhm... someone who looks..."

They passed by a table where a hulking blue orc was sat, downing a dark-coloured cider. He noticed them staring and growled, raising his top lip to reveal two massive, blood-stained fangs.

"Friendly," Tatiana continued in a small voice. The next table contained even more orcs, all of whom were adorned with skimpy brown loin-cloths.

"And who wears pants. Yeah, that'd be nice."

_"Move it, troll!"_

Gabriel ducked as a swarm of tiny creatures soared over his head. Tatiana hung on tightly, eyes widening as she caught the group heading toward the left tunnel. They were humanoids, small with big wings coming out their backs, just like her.

"Gabe, quick! Follow them!" she cried. Gabriel managed to spot the swarm before it disappeared and chased after it. He ran down the tunnel they had taken and narrowly avoided crashing into a wooden board. It seemed to be a map.

One of the painted signs on it read:  _THIS WAY TO THE FAEGROUNDS!_

"Hey, those guys looked just like you, Ti," Gabriel observed breathlessly. He then noticed the writing on the sign. "Huh! Look at that. I think you got turned into a fairy."

"I bet they know something," Tatiana grinned, rubbing her hands together eagerly. She beamed down at her boyfriend. "Fairies are supposed to be really nice, right? They grant wishes."

Gabriel scoffed. " _Please_. You know that's only in kiddy books."

"Gabriel,” Tatiana began, “Need I remind you that you woke up today as a farting troll?" 

Gabriel considered this for a beat.

"...touché," he moved forward, following the directions shown.

The crowd had thinned now that they were in the tunnel. Gabriel would’ve been thankful for it—he had never liked large crowds—if he hadn't noticed that everyone’s attention was focused on him.

It was unusual for him to notice, seeing that he had long since gotten used to being recognised by the public. Eyes were often fixated toward him whenever he went out somewhere. It didn't bother him too much; it was nice to know that people actually watchedhis show, even if all he heard about during meetings with Tony were ratings and percentages. He barely understood what those things meant. What he  _did_  understand was that when you walked into a room, and all eyes immediately caught notice of you, that meant you were a big deal.

He liked seeing people double-take when he walked by, or hearing teenage girls whispering among each other, thinking they were being quiet as they loudly debated on who would go up first to say hi. That is, if they hadn’t already started screaming at him. Most took photos from a distance, which he didn't mind, but he preferred getting the chance to actually  _talk_  with a fan, rather than being treated as a spectacle.

But the people— _could he even call them that?—_ in this place weren't looking at him with awe and excitement. Their stares were cold, their eyes narrowed sourly, and the expressions on their faces were nothing short of disdainful. Worst of all, everyone around him seemed to be holding their noses. A few made disapproving noises as he passed by, making Gabriel's cheeks burn red from embarrassment. Soon enough his pace had went from bouncy to slow and crawling.

"What's the hold up, baby?" Tatiana asked. 

"Uh, Ti,” Gabriel inquired nervously, “do I smell bad?"

"Ooft, like a barn," his girlfriend blenched, and now that she had been reminded of it, she fanned the rancid air around him. "But what do you expect? You've been farting constantly!"

Gabriel shuddered as more eyes settled on him. A couple of elf girls overheard them and began to loudly laugh.

"Keep it down," he whispered sharply.

He had an overwhelming desire to find someplace to hide. This wasn't the first time he had felt like this; a recent incident had proven how devastating it could be when the wrong kind of word got out, and he hadn't left his house for two weeks after that, except to go to set. But even on his worst days, the days where he and Tatiana couldn't go  _anywhere_  without being interrupted or stared at or photographed without consent, the reactions were better than this. The people here clearly didn't want him around. Was it all because he stunk a little? He didn't think he smelled that bad...

Curious, he lifted one of his arms and sniffed at his armpit, recoiling when he was hit with a wave of sweat. _“Woah!”_

"Okay, we'll tell them the truth," Tatiana was starting to devise her plan. "We'll tell them that we're human, and we've ended up here by some weird, freak accident. We don't want any trouble. We aren't going to tell anybody about this place. We just wanna go back to the land where people wear shoes."

Behind them, Mauro was working his way through the crowd. He cast a look over his shoulder to where Terr was standing nearby, arms folded as he waited for the prank to commence. Mauro plugged his nose. He smirked when he spotted Gabriel and made his way closer to the aromatic troll.

"And what if they can't help us?" Gabe asked Tatiana.

"Way to think positive, pretty boy."

Mauro grabbed Gabriel's tail and gave it a sudden, harsh tug. The teenager could only let out a shriek as his bowels churned and unloaded uncontrollably. He erupted with an tremendous accumulation of fetid flatulence that sent the crowd around them scattering in all directions to evade his foul fumes. His nauseating gas spread out like a thick blanket of fog, encompassing every nasal passage in sight.

Tatiana cringed as Gabriel's airy ripper, built up and brewed by painful intestinal cramps for over an hour, came to a wet, rippling end. His tail shyly lowered again. It took only seconds for the shoppers to start moaning and griping about the noxious aroma that had stunk out the entire tunnel.

"That's absolutely ghastly!" A centaur cried, stomping their front hooves and covering their nose with some of their long, white hair.

"Disgusting behaviour," a harpy groaned to her friend.

"Oh, what else do you expect from _their_  kind, Harriet?"

"Somebody open a tent flap! I can’t breathe!"

"Hey, ugly!" Mauro yelled, diverting the attention to himself. "Either stick to the troll pub in the back, or go find some bridge to live under!"

Those still standing roared with laughter. Gabriel whined and shrunk away from what remained of the crowd, barging his way through a mass of creatures, going off-road and into a small, desolate area, the graveyard for the empty storage boxes. Tatiana was hopelessly holding back coughs. It had been a minute or two, yet the powerful smell hadn't faded even a little bit.

"Way to go, you big gasbag!" she spat. Gabriel slumped against a wall, sliding down it until he was sitting on the dusty ground. "Nice going," she chided, ribbing him as harshly as a fairy could.

"It wasn't my fault." Gabriel mumbled dismally, taking away his clawed hand and revealing his blushing face. "Somebody pulled my tail, Ti."

"Oh, that old chestnut."

"I mean it!"

Tatiana sighed bitterly. "Look, just try to show a  _little_  self-control, okay? Like you said, these fairies could be our only chance. I don't want you messing it up for us!"

Gabriel whimpered as his tail tucked between his legs.

“Are you even listening to me? _Gabe?_ "

Tatiana jumped down to his shoulder. Now she could see how badly he was blushing and how ashamed he looked. He rubbed nervously at his arm, keeping his gaze cemented to the floor, in an attempt to ignore the rude stares they were continuing to receive.

"Oh, Gabe," she repeated softly, resting a hand on his freckled cheek. "I'm sorry for yelling. I know it was an accident. I'm not mad at you, honey."

"What if..." Gabe shook his head sombrely. "What if someone's human here? From our world? If they find out I'm like  _this_ , it'll be all over the news!"

Tatiana rested a hand on her hip. "Your farting will be all over the news? Do we need to have the ego talk again?"

Gabriel stared at her with stony, slightly damp eyes. "Two words for you:  _TP Gate_."

Tatiana's mouth opened in astonishment. She didn't think Gabriel was ready to talk about _the incident that must not be discussed_. Not so soon, at least, when it was still being covered by some newspapers in their Celebrity Mishaps section. But at once she understood where he was coming from, and nodded agreeably. 

"Of course. You're right. But I had a good look around and I can promise you, personally, that nobody here is human. We're all freaks!"

Two orcs shot her an angered look from a nearby table. Tatiana laughed nervously.

"We're all...  _friends._  We're all friends," she affirmed, turning back to Gabe. "Nobody here is from back home. They won't find out. We're keeping it between you and me, remember? It's just between you, and me, and all these people."

Gabriel let out a pained groan and hung his head. Tatiana grabbed his ear.

"Who we'll never see again, might I add!" She continued brightly. "They're not going to tell anybody, I promise. Plus, if they did, a killer fart from a teen heartthrob is  _way_ less astounding than a centaur being a real thing that lives and breathes. We've got an even bigger news story to hit 'em with. Don't worry about it."

Gabriel frowned, shoulders falling in a limp shrug. He was still unsure about all of this. Tatiana sighed and tugged his ear one last time, yelling into his dark canals.

"Come on. We're a team! And the sooner we talk to these fairies, the sooner we can get home. You with me?"

Gabe exhaled through his nose, tail thumping grouchily. Tatiana nestled up against his cheek. Time to use another one of her trusted tactics.

" _Gaaaabe._  Gaaaabie. C’mon, my sweet lil troll doll... you know you wanna."

She pinched his cheek and giggled. Gabriel swatted at her.

"Don't call me that."

"Oh? I thought that was kinda clever."

"Not  _that._  Gabie! I hate it when you call me that," he grumbled. "Brad heard you on set one day and now he calls me Gay Baby."

"But you are a Gay Baby. You're my Gay Baby."

Gabriel let out a fierce growl from his throat and pinched the back of her shirt between clawed fingers, lifting her to his head and dropping her heavily. 

"Shut up or I'll flick you into that orc's asscrack," he threatened.

"Better his asscrack than yours," Tatiana teased. She saddled into her usual position on his noggin. "Round-trip to  _The Faegrounds_ , my good man! Giddy-up!"

Gabriel set to work on getting back on track, though something was still bugging him.

“Hey, uh... Ti?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not ugly, right?” 

“Who said—ooh, Gabe, don’t listen to that moron,” Tatiana waved a hand dismissively. “That guy’s bein’ a jerk. Probably cause he has to wear tights as part of his uniform. You wanna know ugly? Check out that  _bulge,_ ” she shivered.

Gabriel’s sweet laughter rang throughout the tunnel and cheered the both of them up.

* * *

"No trolls allowed, kid. Beat it."

A beefy guard stuck out his hand to stop Gabe from enteringthe fairy bar.

"What?" Gabe looked aghast. Tatiana wasn’t looking any happier with this news.

"No. Trolls." The guard repeated, pointing a meaty finger toward a sign. It reiterated his point in bright red ink. "Trolls ain't allowed in this area. Trolls can only dine in their bar at the back."

Tatiana stood up on Gabe's head and surveyed the inside of the bar. She quickly spotted the group of fairies sitting at the back of the room. They were so close!

"Oh, okay, but—her wing's injured," Gabe explained, hurriedly thinking on his feet.

The guard held his blank stare.

"...so, she can't fly," Gabe spelled it out for him. "Can't I at least take her there?"

The guard narrowed his eyes, suspicious of Gabe's motives. Eventually he stepped aside. As Gabriel passed through, he struck out a hand and grabbed the blonde's shirt, balling his grip into a tight fist and pulling the troll closer to his face.

"Fine. But you come straight back once she's there, understand? No foolin' around. I know what your kind are like," he snarled, his foul breath invading Gabriel’s nostrils.

But Gabe was used to manhandling. The paparazzi were unfortunately fond of it. He put on his biggest, fakest smile. "You got it, sir!"

He continued into the dimly-lit bar and tried to ignore the grimaces he received from other patrons. "Put me down there," Tatiana urged, pointing to an empty table next to them. She didn't want the fairies to be put off by Gabe's presence, and from here, she could easily reach their table.

Gabriel bent down and held his hand out for her.

"Great, racism. Just what we needed," Tatiana complained with a shake of her head. Although, the shoe was on the  _other_  foot for a change. Not that her boyfriend hadn't experienced the knock-on effects of what she endured everyday; they had been the subject of much gossip since their relationship went public, being a young, interracial couple. She could recall several dates that had been interrupted by someone who thought the duo had somehow  _welcomed_  the public voicing their thoughts and feelings directly to them wherever they went. It was the biggest downside to dating a celebrity. She tagged along for all the rides, including the messy ones.

"You gonna be okay without me?" Gabriel asked.

"Yeah, I'll try and be quick. Stay nearby, alright?"

Gabriel cast a meek look over his shoulder to where the guard was standing. "I don't think he'll let me, Ti."

Tatiana sighed, knowing he was right. "Okay, well... stay  _relatively_ close. Don't wander too far. I'll come and find you when I'm done."

Gabriel nodded and walked away, turning to give her a wave before he left. Tatiana rolled up her sleeves and hopped down onto the empty seat. She was ready to jump onto the floor and start hauling butt, but scrambled back when some lumbering, horned creature passed by. She winced at its pair of gigantic feet; they would've crushed her in an instant, and the creature wouldn't even feel it happening.

Once the coast was clear, she ran toward the fairy table. Thanks to her practice with the grass reeds, she successfully climbed up the table’s leg and landed with a thud. The fairies were seated around miniature tables that looked like they belonged in dollhouses, and looked over at her in surprise when she made her clumsy entrance. Tatiana dusted herself off—she was still covered in soil, and she couldn't imagine her hair looked too good. They'd simply have to put up with her lack of glamour.

"Uh, hi! Hello…!" She panted and tried to catch her breath. Her little body couldn't take as much exercise as her normal body could.

These fairies didn't look anything like the ones from kiddy books. They were tough, and the one closest to her was smoking a fat cigar. They all stared at her expectantly, until the smoker took his cigarette out of his mouth, blowing a cloud in her face as she approached the table.

"Can I help you?" He grunted.

"Yes," Tatiana smiled and stepped forward. "I need help with-"

"Wait, wait," he held up a hand. "What Grove you from, kid?"

"...er..." Tatiana looked around, as though the answer may be written somewhere on the walls. "I'm from... uh..."

"Well?" The fairy said after a moment of her stammering. "You a Westerner?"

Tatiana looked at him uncertainly.

"We don't talk with them," he bit and faced away from her, returning to the conversation happening at his table. 

"Wait!" She cried. She wasn't about to let their only opportunity get away so fast. "No, wait, I'm a—"

"We don't talk with Westerners, Northerners or Easterners," he clarified, still turned around.

Tatiana blinked. "So... I'm a... Southerner?"

Almost immediately the group looked more cheerful and content with her presence. The smoker spun around and beamed at her as he pushed out a fairy-sized chair.

"Well, why didn't ya say so, pal! Take a seat, fellow Southie."

* * *

Gabriel felt a little clueless without Tatiana there to navigate. He knew that if he stayed near  _The Faegrounds_ , the guard wouldn't lose sight of him, and he could run the risk of getting thrown out of the entire marketplace, leaving his girlfriend here all by herself. So he walked around the same area of the tunnel, hoping to find somewhere he could wait and relax a bit without bothering any of the other shoppers.

He was still receiving the odd dirty look, and occasionally cruel laughter was aimed his way. But no one was making any attempt to come near him. His stench was acting as some kind of barrier. He appreciated the freedom—by this point during an outing he would have signed at least ten autographs, and his jaw would hurt from smiling his signature, charismatic grin in each and every photograph.

A whistle made one of his pointed ears twitch. He wondered if it was Tatiana. When he landed on the source, he saw a group of burly men, all with green skin and long, tufted tails, staring at him from the back of some scabby-looking bar.

They were other trolls.

The one who had whistled lowered his fingers from his big, fanged mouth. Gabriel cast an inquisitive look around him, then pointed a finger to his chest.  _Do you mean me?_

The troll nodded and gestured for him to come over. He looked more bull than man, with a nose-ring to boot. Gabriel dismissed any social anxiety and entered into what he quickly realised was the aforementioned troll bar.

A dreadful odour hit him as he got closer to the table. It was a gruesome mixture of faeces and sweat. The room was dirty and threadbare compared to the fairy bar, and scarcely occupied, too, with the table he was heading toward being the busiest out of the entire space. Four huge trolls sat around it. They had chests and muscly arms covered in wiry black hair, and they all wore heavy loin-cloths on their groins, almost like kilts. Their tails swatted at the flies nipping their plump behinds. They chattered among themselves, drinking pints of beer and eating from wooden bowls.

The troll who had whistled at him kicked out a battered stool for Gabe.

"Yer lookin' a wee bit lost, lad," he said in a deep, husky voice. It surprised Gabriel. He had a deep voice himself, but human voices couldn't drop that low. "Take a seat."

Gabriel nodded his thanks and sat down, careful to lift his tail beforehand. Now that he had arrived, the other trolls stopped talking and inspected him curiously. One took a swig of beer, belched, then wiped his meaty hand across his mouth.

"How old are ye, son?" he asked.

"Eighteen," Gabe replied.

"But where's the rest a'yer tribe?" Another troll questioned, looking around for any other members.

"Uhh..." Gabe blinked. "I, uhh..."

"Say no more," the troll shook his head, taking a swig of his nearly-finished beer. "Kicked ye out, didn't they?"

" _No_ , no, I-"

"Your clothes are awfy funny." The one who had whistled at him fingered the plaid shirt Gabe wore over his sweat-stained white tee. He leaned to the side and studied something under the table. "An' where's your cloth?"

Now all the trolls were looking for the absent garment. Gabe paled anxiously.

"I, uh—I was raised by elves!" He exclaimed. He didn't know whether elves even existed in this world, but it was the best he could come up with. Admittedly, he had not taken many improvisation classes. It had been on his to-do list for years. 

The trolls stared silently. Gabe began to sweat. Then they all let out a collective wince, shaking their heads and tutting sympathetically.

"Awk, the poor lad! Nae wonder he's like that!"

"That's terrible, son. Just terrible."

"Couldny think of a worst fate than that."

"You poor thing! Fuckin' elves," the whistler spat. "First they strip ye of yer rightful cloth, then they make you wear shoes an' those horrible pants..."

"Jeans," Gabriel corrected. The trolls gasped in horror.

A gloomy-looking waitress passed by with a tray full of bowls. The whistler, who seemed to be the leader of the group, grabbed one and set it down in front of Gabriel. The meal it contained was chunky in consistency and dark brown in colour, with lumps of grey meat and pale vegetables drowning in it. Steam wafted from the top layer. Gabe sniffed curiously.

"What is this?"

"It's elk stew," the leader replied. "Take some, boy, and help yourself to the bread."

He pointed to a plateful of loaves in the centre of the table. The food didn't look particularly appetising, even if the trolls were eating it greedily, dipping wads of bread into it and cramming them into their gaping mouths. Food dripped down their chins and onto the hair on their chests. Gabriel was tempted to gag until he heard his stomach growl. He had skipped breakfast and was teetering on missing lunch, too.

 _Bon appetit,_  he thought, and pushed his stool closer into the table. He scoured the table’s surface for utensils. "You guys got a spoon?"

The trolls burst into booming laughter. Food was spat into the air and someone even started to choke.

"Next the lad'll be askin' for a napkin!"

More laughter followed, until the leader slammed a brawny fist down on the table.

"Enough! Leave the wee guy alone," he demanded. "Poor boy was raised by bloody elves!"

The troll on his left nudged Gabriel with his elbow and lifted his own bowl to his lips. "Slurp it, son. It's the best way."

Gabriel slowly raised the bowl to his lips and took an apprehensive drink, hardly noticing the way the other trolls were watching him to see his reaction.

Instinctively he grimaced at the odd, unpalatable taste. It was thicker than Tatiana's famous gravy, and probably just as meaty, but nowhere near as tasty. He was thankful that it appeared to be drenched with strong spices that covered up a distinct taste of cheap mystery meat and rotten vegetables. When a chunk of meat eventually slipped into his throat, he barely had to chew it: it had a watery, jelly-like texture.

He swallowed painfully and smacked his lips, suppressing a shudder. How did they enjoy this stuff? He had a feeling he'd end up sick by the end of the meal.

"Oh, here we go. Brace yourselves, everyone."

One troll groaned heartily as he raised his thick tail. Flatulence abruptly thundered out from between his bare buttocks. The trolls laughed at the greasy-sounding expulsion. 

"Ooft," the farter rubbed his gurgling stomach. "Those bastards! Cannae cook a meal t'save their lives in this place."

Gabriel cleared his throat, ignoring the smell and gesturing to his bowl instead. "The meat's a little..."

"Crap?" The leader suggested with a dry snort. "Aye, us trolls get the best cut, don't we? The scraps. Wouldny serve this to pig-people, me. Even if the meat's shite to begin with, they still don't cook it properly."

 _Not even Tatiana could save this,_  Gabe thought. The leader lifted a buttock and let out a noisy ripper.

"Lucky for us, though, the ole chambers can take it," he said. He farted again, although it wasn't on purpose. Gabriel cringed at how wet it sounded. That usually wasn’t a sign of agreeable food, and even as a human, his digestive system was sensitive. Brad knew that all too well...

Gabriel ignored the all-too-recent memory that came to mind. "Chambers?" 

"Oh, it's a troll-word for our stomachs," another troll answered. Gabriel blinked.  _Stomachs?_

"They might've taught ye to think we're bad, son," the leader began, giving his bulbous belly a slap. "But if an elf tried some'a this food, they'd shite themselves on the spot. We’re lucky to be built this way. One gut's nae good for the food we get served."

"Aye, but ye take what ye can get," the troll beside him shrugged and was met with murmured agreements. They all tucked into their stew and bread. Hesitant but hungry, Gabriel joined them.


	3. The Trolls

"So me and my boyfriend wound up here, and now we're looking for a way back home. Any ideas?”

Tatiana let out the breath she had unintentionally pent up during the retelling of their story. She sat back with an optimistic grin, awaiting a hopefully helpful response from the fairy group.

The smoker's cigarette dropped out of his mouth as his jaw fell open. The entire table looked dumbfounded by the details of her tale.

"…and I’ll take that as a no,” she coughed.

Slowly the conversation started up again, but it wasn’t about solving Tatiana’s plight. Most turned their chairs away from her, reverting to pretending that she simply wasn’t there. Her situation was too complicated. No one wanted to deal with it—with  _her._

Tatiana exhaled wearily and held her head in her hands. Their one chance was turning out to be useless. What would she tell Gabe?

“You gotta understand, miss, that humans never pass into this realm unless they're invited," a fairy explained the table’s shared reaction as the smoker dusted his cigar off. "You must've got here  _somehow_. Someone had to let you in."

"But I can't remember anything! Neither can Gabe."

"Well, until you do, we can't help you,” the fairy shrugged his tiny shoulders feebly. “Only the person who invited you can send you back."

"There must be something you can do,” Tatiana was starting to get irritated by the constant current of dead-ends. “I can't look like this forever!"

Heads whipped around in her direction as the table stared at her resentfully.

_Second time today, Tati. You’re on a role._

She cleared her throat awkwardly. "...I mean, it's a lot smaller than what I'm used to, that's all,” she clarified. After a moment’s silence she asked, "Isn't there a way for you guys to make yourselves bigger? You have magic, right?"

“Now you’re stereotyping,” one fairy groused.

"Besides, why would we want to?" Another countered, raising a glass with a yellow liquid in it to her lips. "Being small's the best! Our world's a dangerous place, you know. We avoid all of that because we can't be seen."

"Trust me, I can handle big," Tatiana assured them. "I've been big all my life. Plus, my boyfriend’s doing a pretty good job at making everybody keep their distance from us. It’s not really an issue.”

She sighed and looked down at her hands dolefully. 

“I just wanna feel a little normal again, that’s all," she whispered.

A suited fairy sitting at the back of the group clinked a knife against his glass to signal the attention toward him. He raised an inquiring brow when Tatiana looked up in his direction.

"We might actually be able to help you with that, you know."

Tatiana leaned forward eagerly, not minding the smell of smoke and potent alcohol that clutched her in its misty hold. She had been dealing with bad smells all day, and until Gabriel was changed back to a human, there would be plenty more to come. If anything, it was good practice.

"You wanna find yourself a Potionist," he elucidated. The others gradually caught on and nodded their heads in agreement. "They’re the only ones that can perform true magic. I've heard size enlargement is a simple potion to make, though I’ve never done it myself,” he admitted. “There’s a Potionist's kitchen somewhere in these markets, but they'll charge you an extortionate fee for their services. Many Groves have resident Potionists. If you say an allying Grove sent you, their Potionist should do it for free. I believe there's a local Grove around five miles from here."

Tatiana felt a joyful grin rapidly spreading across her face. "That’s awesome! Could you guys say you sent me? You're allies, right?"

The smoker, now with a fresh cigarette, took a hit and blew it out with a tired exhale. "Will it make sure you don't come back?"

"Yes!"

"Fine," the fairy set his cigar into an ashtray, asking the group for a pen. He started to scrawl into a napkin. A weight lifted from Tatiana's chest as she fluttered her wings in glee. Things were finally looking up for them!

* * *

"So," the leader of the trolls set another steaming bowl in front of Gabe. "What lousy title did the elves land ye with, son?"

The smell wafted up the blonde’s nostrils and made his mouth salivate hungrily. The taste was growing on him. Once he had gotten past the initial shock of the spoilt flavour, he had devoured his first bowl without needing a single slice of bread to help him along the way. His stomach—or stomach _s_ —were beginning to feel warmer and more content by the second, each chamber filling up with the thick, spicy stew.

"Gabriel,” he smiled cordially, tail gently wagging at his rump. “Gabe's what I prefer, though."

The leader of the trolls extended a hand for Gabriel to shake. "Angus. Pleasure ta'meet ye, Gabe."

After shaking hands, Gabriel was quick to slurp down more of his lunch, almost as messily as his fellow trolls were. 

"Look at him go," one laughed as he watched Gabriel dig in. "What were the elves feedin' this poor kid, if  _this_  is what he's enjoying!"

Gabe was ready to down the full thing when he suddenly paused. His entire body froze. His stomach had emitted a long, hollow gurgle that felt uncomfortably bubbly at the end, and now an airy sensation was starting up in his bowels. He could feel some force rushing toward his exit, swelling rapidly within him. Gabriel’s tail flicked anxiously. Maybe he  _should_  think about slowing down…  
  
But the smell was too tempting to ignore—and hewas the hungriest he had ever felt in all his life, seeing that he had extra stomachs to tend to now. More stomachs meant he could handle a little bit of indigestion, right? Angus  _had_  said they were built for it. He finished the rest of the bowl and tore off a chunk of bread.

"So whereabouts ye from, Gabe?" Angus queried.

"Uh... far away. Real far away," Gabriel said between munches.

"Nae offense to ye, but ye look a little out of sorts," another troll said, wiping up the dregs of his stew with a crust.

Gabriel’s chewing slowed down as he decided to tell them the truth. "If I'm being honest with you guys, I've no idea where I am. Me and my girlfriend just ended up here somehow. We've been lost all morning."

"This place?" Angus lifted his head, looking around the shoddy bar. "We call this The Markets. It's a pit-stop for travellers, really, but the folk who live around here use it to get their everyday essentials. Ye know, weapons, materials for clothes, things for the hoose, shampoo..."

"If yer stupid enough to use that stuff," one troll scratched at his head. Gabriel managed to refrain from retching when he saw dandruff fall out of his messy black hair.

"There's a bay around the back with portals," Angus continued. "Takes you anywhere ye need to go—for a fee, of course."

"If this place wisny here, you'd be dead," another troll joined in. "There's nothing out these parts but empty land. These markets are like an oasis, even if their bars  _are_  shiteholes."

Gabriel’s stomachs rumbled violently. His tail raised without him even thinking to do it, and he whined, claws digging into the scratched up table. He thought it was cramps needing passed, but instead he let loose with an urgent fart. The powerful flatulence racketed against the wooden stool his jean-cladden rear-end was sat upon, reverberating across the entire bar for eight whole seconds, before eventually coming to an end on a tearing rip of stinking air.  
  
_"Ooh,"_  Gabriel slumped forward on the table, continuing to pass small rifts of excess wind. They finished on a trumpeting bottom-burp. He pushed out a relieved sigh. Just when he thought he was all done, he belched explosively, the noise guttural and unlike anything he had ever produced before.

"Speaking of shiteholes," Angus broke the group’s stunned silence and nudged Gabriel, grinning cheekily. Soon enough, the entire group were laughing and cheering him on.

“Now that _had_ to feel good!”

“Man, I think I felt that shakin’ the ground! What a weapon!”

Gabriel laughed and scratched coyly at his neck. The sound was impressive, even louder than any of the other trolls’ gases had been. The smell was setting in now, though, and he had a feeling they wouldn’t be so thrilled with that.

The smog in the air carried an unmistakable scent of rotten eggs and raw sewage. It was the type of smell one would expect from someone suffering from multiple-stomach-cramps, and who had indulged in too much undercooked meat.

“Crikey,” one troll groaned, eyes watering as Gabriel’s deadly aroma washed over the table.

"By the gods!" Another troll pinched his large nose. Gabe’s flatulence smelled like the elephant pen at a zoo, if that elephant had unfortunately contracted food poisoning. Somehow, despite all the nasty odours that had culminated over the past hour, hanging over the group like a heavy storm cloud, Gabriel’s was the most pungent.   
  
"That's some brand,” another troll waved a hand in front of his face. “Phew! Somebody light a match or somethin’."  
  
Gabriel grunted and erupted with another massive fart, the sound going from rowdy and explosive, to a silly, squeaking finale. He belched several more times during it. His ample emissions elicited a chorus of giggles around the table.

"The elves must've loved you," Angus snorted, sipping his stew.

* * *

Tatiana was on the hunt. Armed with her new information, and a note securing her obtaining of a size-enlargement potion, she fled from  _The Faegrounds_  and tried to work out where Gabe would be. She’d never tell him—unless he had  _really_  annoyed her—but it was easy to identify his smell in the air, and she followed it like a bloodhound tracking deer in deep woods.

Back at the table, Angus was chewing on a large piece of stew meat. "See, us trolls have to stick together," he told them. "There's no many of our kind left, you know."

"Really? How come?" Gabe had just finished his fifth bowl. He had chugged it down like it was the only water he could find in a vast desert, having felt a lot better after his most recent batch of releases. He was tempted to ask for more once he was done, but somehow he had a feeling that wouldn’t be a good idea. That feeling was the continuous grumbling in his bloated guts, making him tuck his tail in closer to his rear in the fear that gas may leak out of if he wasn’t careful enough.

"We're at the bottom of the social totem pole, lad. We're seen as nothing more than filth." One member of the group let out a poorly timed fart, which was ignored by all. "Simply put, they want rid of us. We're a stain on their porcelain ideals of this world."

Quiet set among the group. Only the noises of consumption could be heard. Gabriel downed his final bowl, belched another vociferous burp and set it aside. He lay a hand on his stuffed belly, rubbing it soothingly.

"So..." Gabriel tried to break the silence his stomachs hadn’t already filled with bubbling and gurgling. "You guys live around here?"

"Oh, no, but we'll be camped here for a few months," Angus explained. "We're working on a sheep farm at the moment. The pay's pretty terrible, but it's better than what most trolls get. If ye ever need us, you'll find us around here most days. Doesn't have to be for anythin' serious." Angus smiled slowly. Somehow his warts and fangs didn't seem so intimidating to Gabe anymore. "Sometimes it's just nice to have someone you can let off steam with, innit?"

_Ppppprrrrppprrrt!_

"Oh, for Pete’s sake!" Angus spat at the interrupting flatulence from one of the others. The group hollered with laughter. "Fuck you lot, I was trying to have a tender moment there."

Gabriel stopped snickering and returned Angus's smile. "Thanks, man. I'll keep that in mind."

Gabe’s scent had led Tatiana straight to the troll bar. He was at the only occupied table in the place, so it wasn’t hard to spot him. She ran toward him, missing yet another opportunity to be squashed. Skidding in the dirt floor and making herself look even  _more_  of a mess, she decided to jump up on one of the tables close to theirs. It was the safest option. She could go from there.

"Gabriel! Gabe!" she called as she travelled. “I’m back, Gabriel!”

Gabe couldn't hear her over the noise of the trolls and his own boisterous stomachs. Tatiana quickened her run into a sprint across an uncleaned table. All of a sudden she felt herself go light, and soon the table was several feet underneath her. Her wings had extended outward and were propelling her higher toward the ceiling.

She was in the air! She was  _flying!_

Clumsily at first, but quickly getting the hang of it, she glided over to Gabriel’s table and dropped herself closer to the ground. She grabbed his tail, sliding down it until she had reached the floor behind his stool. Tatiana grinned proudly, happy to have made some use of her strange new features.

It wasn't until she was on the ground that she realised she had pulled her boyfriend’s newest feature.

Gabriel winced as he felt his tail automatically rising to allow him to rip another deafening fart. It flapped the overhang of his plaid shirt, the grimy air billowing out of his rank-smelling rear. His vile wind rained down on Tatiana and made her scream. Of course, this couldn’t be heard over Gabriel, who sighed with relief, tail lowering to sway contentedly at his ass, the flies returning to dance in this not-so-fresh wave of stench. The trolls laughed, though they plugged their noses tightly at the smell.

"Just as well you've no got a cloth on, lad," Angus coughed out. "Would hate to be downwind of you after a meal like this."

It took Gabriel a moment to hear the frustrated cries of his girlfriend. He glanced over his shoulder and looked around until he spotted Tatiana lying on the ground, practically flattened by the strength of his flatulence. She whoop-coughed as her lungs tried to search for fresher air. Gabe hadn’t made it an achievable task.

He gasped and swung his tail closer to her, wrapping the tufted end around her torso. She was lifted into the air as he stood up, kicking his seat out behind him. Tatiana weakly punched at Gabriel to let her go. He was only holding her closer to his revolting sphincter.

“Put me down! Put me…” She cut herself off with more harsh coughing. Gabriel’s backside smelled _appalling._

Angus noticed him standing. "Oh? That you away now, son?"

"It's been great, guys, but I— _ooh!_ " Gabriel suddenly clutched at his gut. The table gradually quietened as they listened to the furious noises coming from within his middle. The ambient gurgling had loudened into a hectic bubbling from all three chambers. It sounded like an emergency. Now that he had stood up, everything was rushing downward.

"...oh no,” Gabriel whimpered, knowing what was about to come.

His stomachs roared. He wrapped both arms around his middle, hoping to silence it, but it was no use. His knees began to shake. Sweat dripped down his back. The teenager looked dreadfully nervous.

"Incoming," Angus warned the trolls. They covered their noses. Even the flies sought safety.

"GABE! Gabe,  _no_!" Tatiana screeched, sobered up by the sounds of his intestinal chaos. She could feel his tail hoisting her higher into the air.

Gabriel shut his eyes. He had no choice but to bend over and let it go.

A Herculean fart stormed out of his arse, the foul, hurricane winds blowing Tatiana back, but his tail cruelly kept her there to simply drown in his festering gases. She coughed wildly as he expelled his sickly air, throwing her hands over her mouth to stop it from entering her throat. The giant fart spluttered onward. Forceful plumes of wind sent debris on the floor behind him sliding backward, and the bar staff were left frozen in fear for what the young troll was unleashing.

Ten seconds went by and the blaring sound still hadn’t died down. Now it was being accompanied by Gabriel’s moaning—partially out of remorse for being so out of control for the  _second_  time that day, but also because it felt amazing to get the ill feeling out of his congested bowels.

Eventually it came to an end. Gabriel opened his eyes and blinked, fearfully taking in the scene around him. The trolls looked astonished. He gulped.

“Uh…  _excuse me?_ ”

The table burst into a disorderly cheer. Angus even clapped for him. Gabriel tittered timidly, aware of how repulsive the room smelled all because of him, and how much of that smell was leaking out into the tunnel. There was no better way to describe the odour other than it smelling seriously unhealthy. Gabriel could hear the complaints coming from diners in nearby bars, and his face darkened when he realised that they would’ve been watching him too.

It was the least of his problems. The beefy guard was back, scowling at first, then gagging once the stench hit him like a brick to the face.

"Oh, fuck off," he gasped, stumbling backward and quickly grasping for his nose. No one ever got used to the smell of troll gas, it seemed. He soon got it together and glared at Gabriel.

" _You!_  Listen, you foul beast, we're getting complaints from the other diners. You either learn some manners or get kicked out."  
  
"Piss off," one of the trolls spat. The guard silenced them.

"Sorry," Gabriel apologised sincerely. "I'm just leaving, I swear."

He turned to find the exit. Angus stopped him before he could go.

"The worst is yet to come, pal, trust me," he warned, glancing at Gabriel’s middle as he heard his upset stomachs continue to protest against the stew. Gabriel wrapped an arm around them to muffle the noise.

"Now you mind what I said about needing us, okay?"

"Will do," Gabriel nodded and managed a small smile. “Thanks, guys.” He reached behind him to pluck Tatiana from his tail and held her to his chest as he hurried for the exit.

As expected, Tatiana wasn’t feeling so hot. She gasped and took in as much fresh air as possible once they got out of the bar. Her hair was frizzled from her boyfriend’s volatile blast and the dirt smeared on her cheeks was streaked with tears.

"That was-" Tatiana whoop-coughed again, furiously wiping the wetness away. "Oh, man, you fucking asshole! I was right behind you!"

"Sorry, Ti." Gabriel placed her onto his head. His stomachs rumbled agitatedly, making him inhale sharply through his teeth. “ _Ah._ I think I might’ve ate a little too much.”

“Oh, you think?” Tatiana snapped. She coughed a few more times as Gabriel searched for the way out of the markets, turning back once to look longingly at the troll bar.

"Hey, you think I should get a nose piercing?"

"I'm going to get my nostrils pierced shut," Tatiana complained icily, plugging her nose as the stench rose higher. “I can smell your ass from up here! God, you need to shower.”

"I said I'm sorry. I couldn't hold it back." He grinned slightly. "And I  _really_  needed it. You have no idea how good that felt after all that food.”

"Oh, as long as it felt good," Tatiana grumpily crossed her arms.

Gabriel soon found the exit. He took them outside and into the fields. The sun, now the centrepiece of the sky, shone down on his shoulders, and it didn’t take him long to start sweating again. The next five minutes were silent, as Tatiana didn't particularly want to talk—her throat was burning after taking in his repulsive winds. That, and she was  _not_  in the mood.

"Hey, I almost forgot! Check this out," Gabe dug into his pocket and brought a chunk of bread. He waved it above his head. "I brought you some chow, Ti. It's homemade."

"I don't want any," Tati muttered, staring off into the distance.

Gabriel laughed and tore off a small chunk for her. Tatiana begrudgingly swiped it off him and began to eat.

"Don't get crumbs in my hair. It's insured, you know."

 _"It's insured, you know,"_  Tatiana mocked in a childish tone and ate her piece. Gabriel bit off a large chunk and chewed it.

"So, what'd the fairies say? You get any help?"

"We're going to a Grove.”

“A  _what?_ ”

“It’s like a fairy village. I got a map on this note. We're going to speak to a potion person. He's going to try and make me bigger."

"But what about getting us home?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Tatiana shrugged. "This is one step forward, at least."

Gabriel considered her point. "Okay. How far's this, uh..."

"The Grove's five miles away."

Gabriel choked on his food. "Five miles?!"

Tatiana tugged his hair with a free hand. "Yeah, stinky, five big ones. That's your punishment for farting all over me."

Gabriel's stomachs wailed and he whacked a fist into his chest, making himself belch. Tatiana frowned in disgust when the smell wafted up to her, but her nostrils convulsed when she caught a particular concentration.

"Gabriel," she began coldly, her bread dropping out her hands. "Have you been eating spicy food?"

Gabriel swallowed and burped again. “Yeah, maybe. It was some kinda stew, I think.”

"Gabe!” Tatiana screeched. She sounded so upset that Gabriel stopped dead in his tracks. She leaned over the top of his forehead, looking down into his eyes. “Are you kidding me?"

"W-Why…?” Gabriel stammered worryingly, looking up at her with big blue eyes. “What's the problem?"

"You're the whitest person to walk the earth!" Tatiana cried, exasperated. "Anything spice-related runs right through you! You think about a tortilla and your stomach freaks out."

Gabriel cringed. He hadn't thought about that, although it did explain the sudden gas attack back there. He shrugged it off.

"I'll be fine, Ti."

"Yeah, but will  _I_ be?"

Gabriel held back his laughter. "Don't worry, I won't fart on you again. I think I'm all out."

"I hope so," Tatiana murmured lowly. She finished her bread, dusted her hands off and yanked on Gabe's hair. "Come on, let's pick up the pace. I wanna get there before it's dark."

Gabriel walked faster as Tatiana gave him the directions for the Grove. It was in a woods, the fairy had said, distinguishable by its rare purple pine trees. Even someone as blonde as Gabe couldn’t miss it.

“So, what’s the village look like? Got some kinda  _Sylvanian Families_ image in my head,” Gabe chuckled. His laughter wavered at the end as he felt something churning deep in the pit of his stomachs.

"We won't be able to see it until they let us in, actually. It's protected by a shield. Apparently there's a magic word to make them open it up." Tatiana pushed some hair behind her ear, giggling to herself at the absurdity of it all. "Can you believe that? It _is_  like kiddy book stuff!"

Gabriel lifted his leg and farted nosily. It sounded like one big, damp, splitting rip, and made his tail quiver as it surged out of him.

"Ahhh...” Gabriel relaxed with a hearty sigh. His tail wagged, breaking up the thick wall of stink behind him. “Much better."  
  
" _'all out'_  my ass!" Tatiana snarled, fighting against the stench once again.  
  
"Nope," Gabriel bent his knees and raised his tail, letting out another rancid, sloppy burst. "All out  _my_  ass! Haha!"

"Oh, gross! Stop it!" Tatiana gagged, whacking his head with her tiny hands. "God, what happened to Mr. _'I don't have to go’_  back there?! What did those trolls teach you? Eww!”

Gabriel tried and failed at holding back giggles. "Sorry, Ti. I can’t help myself! Hey, did you know that trolls have more than one stomach?"

A bird squawked and fell out of the sky, landing unconsciously on the grass behind him. Gabe was oblivious, scratching his ass as his tail swatted at even more flies, patiently awaiting her instructions. Tatiana lay down on his hair and covered her face with her hands. She was surprised to discover that she still had the strength in her to resist screaming at him.

"I never would've guessed," she moaned jadedly. 

This was going to be one long trip.


	4. The Grove

When the Grove had been described to her, Tatiana had envisioned it as a  _picturesque_  kind of place. Purple pine trees provided her imagination with enough inviting imagery to work from. A fairy village conjured up dreams of healthy green gardens thronged with rows of colourful, freshly-watered flowers, neatly trimmed lawns and a rainbow or two in a cerulean sky. Cutesy little wooden houses would line every block. There would be a bakery every five yards so that the homely smell of delicious treats constantly permeated across the land. Most importantly, it would be mandatory for all residents to come together and sing a cheerful little jingle every hour on the hour, complete with talking animal friends to provide the backing vocals.

But the sky above these woods was not cerulean. It was overcast and gloomy, and the purple pine trees looked dead and depressed in its dull light. They seemed to have left the sun back at the markets. Neither of them could tell whether it was night or day anymore.

Fog swamped the couple in a thick sea of dense white, reaching all the way up to Gabe's waist. The deeper they got, the less woods-like it became. It looked more like marshland. Tatiana gulped and tucked herself into her boyfriend's hair, hearing his footsteps squelch into sloppy mud as he took them further into the dreary forest. She hoped they had taken an incorrect turn along the way and ended up in the wrong place. This couldn't possibly be where the _Faegrounds_ group had meant to send them. Maybe she had pissed them off more than she thought...

Pools of dirty, stagnant-smelling water burbled around them. Dewy spiderwebs covered every inch of the old trees that lined each side of the trail. Insects chirped. Fat, warty toads croaked, their grey tongues latching into the air to catch the dragonflies that flitted in and out of the depleted-looking plantlife. The path Gabe was following was overgrown with vines and roots: it was clear that this part of the woods was not intended to be an accessible area. This place didn't garner many visitors. It wasn't hard to see why, but Tatiana couldn't help but wonder if this was intentional—the woods was  _trying_  to keep people out.

Perhaps that was for good reason.

The trail was getting narrower, to the point that Gabe had to suck in his stomach and slide into his next step at an awkward angle. He held back a handful of weakened branches and ducked as he passed underneath them.

"You sure we're in the right place, Ti?" he asked, glancing around nervously. "This isn't where I thought fairies would live."

Tatiana tried to make out the writing on the napkin. It was too dark to be able to read it, but she was sure she had gotten it right.

"This is what the map says, Gabe," she shrugged and folded it under her arm. "You know, I'm getting the idea that- _oof!_ "

Gabriel had forgotten to hold the branches back long enough for her. They smacked her straight in the face.

"...not everything in this world," she continued, climbing back onto his head and rubbing at her scratched up cheek. "Is what it appears to be."

"No kidding," Gabe muttered.

_FFFFSSSTTT!_

The troll boy sprung into the air as a geyser unexpectedly erupted behind him, belching out a load of steamy mist. Tatiana held her chest, trying to still her distressed heart.

"That wasn't me," Gabriel promptly excused himself from receiving any blame.

Tatiana stopped herself from saying anything too cruel. " _For once,"_ she gasped out. Breathing rate pacified once again, she gave his head a soothing clap. She could feel him starting to tremble.

"Keep going, sweetie. We gotta see if there's anything up ahead."

Gabriel pushed aside more dead foliage and proceeded into the next part of the trail. He stopped in front of what seemed to be a plethora of black thorns entwined together to form a wall. There was a space in between it for some poor soul to continue onward, should they be so brave—or stupid enough. Fortunately for the woods, Gabe and Tatiana were both.

Planks of wood had been nailed into several parts of this 'wall'. Warnings were written on each.  _GET OUT!_  and  _TURN BACK NOW!_  were repeated many times, for those who carelessly believed that there was nothing to fear on the other side.

Gabe apprehensively shifted his weight from foot to foot, a small, strained whine leaving his throat. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to continue on ahead. "Uhh..."

Tatiana wasn't stupid, but she  _was_ desperate. Getting this potion was their only chance at actually doing something to fix this mess. She shook her head and forced aside any rising concerns.

"What, we've walked all this way for you to get spooked by an old sign? Move it, Gabe! We're wasting time."

Gabriel knew she was right. Even if his arms were riddled with goosebumps, he summoned up enough courage to pass into the space between the thorns. He hadn't anticipated the sudden drop and stumbled into a desolate clearing. The thorns were all around them now, forming four walls and a roof, with no passages in sight. Sunlight peeked through tiny holes above their head and shone down on where Gabriel stood, casting him in a ghostly, greyish hue.

"Where am I supposed to go now?" Gabe asked, turning in a circle. A bird screeched from somewhere outside and took off, kicking little stones onto the couple from overhead. Gabe and Tatiana lifted their chins toward the ceiling. There was another, bigger sign up there.

In aggressively red ink it read  _'TOO LATE.'_

The couple cocked their heads in confusion.

An army of darts shot out from all around them, aiming straight for Gabriel. Perhaps those stupid acrobatics classes his mother made him take as a child were not as dumb as he once thought, because he managed to dodge them all, although it took a lot of Matrix-esque athletics. The final dart missed him only by an inch.

When the silence returned, signalling the attack was over, Gabriel ceased to flail and enjoyed a moment of much missed stillness. He panted heavily and tried to calm himself down. Tatiana sat in silent shock, stunned at the unforeseen attack, and even more so at Gabe being able to dodge them all successfully. This was the boy who had walked into the glass door leading out into her family's backyard every single time he visited since Tatiana had first brought him home three years ago.

Gabriel broke the silence with a wet fart.

"Sorry," he cringed at his accidental release. He couldn't control what was the result of tension, but it was still disappointing. He had been doing a pretty job good at holding it in so far. His tail swished back and forth to get rid of the putrid smell.

"That made me a little nervous, Ti," he explained sheepishly.

Tatiana gagged on the eggy stink, though she couldn’t exactly blame him for his reaction. He _had_  nearly become a puncture-wound victim.

"You don't say," she replied distantly, slowly working her way out of being fazed. She broke free of her addled state and reached for her note.

"Quick, before it happens again—hold out your hand. I'll try and talk to them."

"How?" Gabe asked, but he did as he was told.

"I've got a magic word, remember?" Gabriel nodded weakly, clearly still confused, although this was something of a semi-permanent state for him. He stretched his hand out toward the wall in front of them, presenting his girlfriend to the unseen entities. Tatiana hastily unfolded the napkin, cleared her throat and tried to broadcast her voice as best she could.

"Ahem...  _emases nepo!_ "

There was a pause. Then a shaking rumble reverberated all around them. The air in front of them became a tangible thing, wavering like translucent jelly. A Gabriel-sized rip had opened up. Gabe looked to Tatiana for instructions, but she was too impressed by the visuals. He tentatively stepped through it. The air closed behind him and returned to its state of invisibility, in exchange for exposing a world that had been there the entire time.

The opening had led them into the centre of a bustling village. It wasn't exactly what Tatiana had in mind, but it was an improvement from the swamp nonetheless. At least it was sunny in here. Tiny buildings of all shapes spread out for as far as the eye could see. There was vast fields with rows of vegetables growing in them, and a network of streams that seemed to go through every street. In the middle of the village stood a large oak tree that seemed to house several different rooms, judging by the windows and doors that decorated it. As impressive as it was—surely a fairy would see it as a piece of daunting architecture, and clearly a reflection of the skills of this village—it still only managed to reach up to Gabe's knees.

Still, for a boy of five-foot-ten, that was somewhat commendable.

The villagers had come out to inspect the visitors, moving in a swarm. They looked no bigger than ants to Gabe. They danced around his mud-soaked shoes, yelling excitedly at each other, which sounded tinny and slightly annoying, but he supposed he could put up with it.

A booming voice erupted across the village. It seemed to be coming from the oak tree.

 _"Who are you and who sent you?"_  it demanded.

Gabriel winced and rubbed at his ear. Tatiana, still in his hand, cupped her hands around her mouth and tried to respond in a similarly loud voice.

"My name's Tatiana, and I was sent by the Southerners! I'm here to speak to your Potionist!"

The biggest door in the oak tree opened, and from it emerged a pompous-looking, grey-haired fairy, dressed in a blue suit. He held a long, thin wooden stick up to his mouth, and fixed his collar as he briefly examined the unexpected arrivals. The wings behind him began to beat together as they lifted him into the air.

"WHY ARE YOU-"

Gabriel moaned at the second beating his ears had taken. The fairy realised he was still holding his microphone, one of the many uses of the modern day wand.

"Sorry," he withdrew it from his mouth, revealing a scowl. "And why, pray tell, do you wish to see our Potionist? Have you not your own? What Grove are you coming from, girl?"

 _Interesting company,_  he thought to himself. The scowl was a result of having a troll in their village. He always knew the swamp was a bad location choice. Places like that always attracted beasts like  _him._

But there was a more important question to be asked. Every fairy village should be equipped with a Potionist, and if one village was falling behind on the standards, he'd have to inform the council. They would not be happy—but he took a certain delight in delivering bad news. He was that sort of man.

"We have a... predicament," Tatiana laughed nervously and handed him her note. The fairy snatched it from her hands and opened it up, scouring the messy handwriting for anything worth considering.

He seemed to go rigid. "Wait here," he instructed, and with that, he was off again.

Tatiana felt a small portion of anxiety suddenly disappear. At least they were making  _some_  kind of progress. Gabriel was too busy taking in the miniature scene around them, giggling loudly to himself.

"Aw, man, now this is more like it! This place is totally adorable. Look, they've even got a little windmill!"

"That thing's gonna be going crazy with you around," she quipped. Still, Tatiana snorted at his endearing fascination.

"Think they're neighbours with the Keebler elves?" she asked. 

Gabriel's giggles blossomed into joyous laughter. "Ha! Good one, Ti."

The door in the tree opened again, but this time the pompous fairy wasn't alone. He was sandwiched between a burly, surprisingly hefty-looking fairy, and an elderly fairy with a long white beard. They flew as a group, hovering slightly above Tatiana. They didn't seem to want to use Gabriel's hand as a landing pad.

"Miss Tatiana," the pompous fairy gestured to his comrades. "On my right is our resident Potionist, Archimedes the Sixth, and to my left is our village chief, Chief Corton."

"Nice to meet you," Tatiana said.

"Hey," Gabriel greeted amiably.

"They have decided to grant your request."

Tatiana and Gabriel exchanged celebratory grins, but the Chief glared at the duo.

"We will help you, but we wish to speak to you  _alone,_ " he demanded in a gruff voice. He sneered at Gabriel. "Trolls really should not be hearing this kind of talk."

"You never know what they might do with it," the pompous fairy quickly added, eager to join in on the troll-bashing. He didn't seem to care that Gabriel could hear him. "That is, of course, if they can even understand it."

Tatiana knew that she had to remain calm, but she felt protective of Gabriel. He was too gentle to ever stand up for himself. That was why Brad had managed to torment him for so long.

"But he's not actually a troll," she insisted. "He's a human. He got changed just like I did."

"He smells like a troll," the pompous fairy pulled a face as he leered at Gabriel's backside. Flies were still buzzing around the gassy residue that clung to his buttocks.

Gabriel piped up.

"It's cool, Ti," he said with a mild smile. "I can wait. I don't mind."

Tatiana shook her head. "No, it's not fai-"

"Just go and get your stuff," he interjected kindly. "Go on. I'll be right here."

Tatiana didn't want to leave him, but the quicker she could get the potion, the quicker they could leave. It was one step closer to going home. That was the goal here.

Tatiana jumped from his hand and glided with the rest of the group toward the oak tree. Gabriel watched her leave and remained standing, surrounded by the entire village, who stared at him in awe and rather obvious disgust. It would take a lot of air freshening spells to get rid of the evidence that a troll had been visiting.

The pompous fairy guided the group toward another door and held it open for each of them. They entered into a brightly lit laboratory. It looked simultaneously ancient and modern; the majority of it was made from wood and stone like the rest of the village, but there was a lot of metal and plastic utensils, not to mention intrinsically-detailed glass beakers and flasks. Tatiana inspected the shelves lined with test tubes filled with bubbling, steaming liquids as Archimedes wandered over to his working station, taking his apron off a hook on the wall and pulling gloves onto his hands.

"Humans have no business being here," he grumbled as he tied the apron behind him. "The sooner we can get you home the better. You always end up causing us some sort of grief."

 _These guys are a cheerful bunch,_  she thought.  _Hospitable too._

"Well, we didn't exactly plan this trip," she retorted quietly. "Me and my boyfriend just... woke up here. Somehow. We've no idea how this happened."

"Where did you wake up?" the chief questioned. Tatiana gestured to the direction in which they came.

"Waaaay out there. In a big forest. It's about ten miles that way."

"But that doesn't make any sense," the pomous fairy scoffed. "Humans  _must_  be  _invited_ -"

"So we've been told," Tatiana interrupted. She didn't want to hear it again. She hated to be moody, especially with those who were helping her get out of a helpless situation, or at least make it easier to deal with. But she really didn't like this guy.

"Like I said, we can't remember a single thing. We don't know why we were together, or what we were doing, and we definitely don't know who invited us. All we can remember is little things. Pointless things," she sighed. "And anytime I try to remember, my head ends up hurting like a bit-"

Tatiana yelped as Archimedes yanked a dark hair from her head. Before she could complain, he handed her a tiny, heavy bag.

"Try these when it's next convenient," he muttered over his shoulder.

Tatiana emptied the bag into her hand. Out fell a trio of what looked like dried up flower buds.

"What are they?" she asked, rubbing her head.

"Memory Cloves," Archimedes replied, breaking lilac powder up with a mortar and pestle. He added Tatiana's hair to it. "The smell they emit help to clear a foggy mind. It could be that you've been purposely charmed to not remember, in which case I'm uncertain if the cloves will override it. It's not a guarantee, but they might help. I'd imagine it'll be a little harder to do over your friend's odour..."

"Boyfriend," Tatiana corrected with undisguised pride. She stuffed the bag down her shirt and into her bra for sake-keeping.

The pompous fairy made an odd, strangled noise from the corner of the room.

"Please," he said, holding a hand near his mouth. "We've just had lunch."

* * *

Gabriel was starting to feel a little awkward.

He hadn't noticed the disparity in size when it was just him and Tatiana. Even when they had been in the markets he was hardly the biggest creature around. The centaurs and orcs towered over him, and even a troll of Angus's stature could only reach up to an orc's chest. But here, with the crowd of tiny fairies all around him, and the tiny model village they inhabited, with its tiny buildings and tiny plants and tiny, adorable windmill... he felt like a fish out of water. He smiled awkwardly at the villagers, who were uncomfortably silent as they watched his every move. He knew they were staring at him, and though he couldn't see their faces from his height, he'd imagine they would be void of smiles. Clearly they were not too happy to be hosting someone like him.

What was so bad about trolls, anyway? Angus and his friends had been nice fellas. Was it because they smelled? Gabriel could think of a few worse traits than smelling bad. Of course,  _he_  couldn't afford to smell bad—not with his status. He had a reputation to maintain. A handsome, acne-free, slim-bodied, perfectly tousled hair reputation. His biggest audience were teenage girls and teenage girls did  _not_  fawn over flatulent, mud-coated troll boys. He couldn't go back to the human world like this. He hoped he and Tatiana could figure out a way to get them back to normal.

He didn't like that they were hoping. That implied that there was a considerable chance that they would not be returned to their human selves, and what would happen then? What if they were stuck here forever? Or worse—what if they  _could_  go back, but he had to stay like this? What would his mother think? What would Tony think? What would Jaguar Rhythm think?

He would be a laughing stock.

Again.

 _You can't afford to have another—uh, incident,_  he could hear Tony's voice in his mind, repeating the most awkward phone conversation he had ever had in his life.  _Magazine sales went down 7.8% after that. You missed out on the big speech we practised for weeks, and no one's going to want to schedule an interview until this blows over. You're already an old guy at eighteen—your foot's halfway out the door, kid! You pull another stunt like that, and you're history._

Just another washed up teen actor. Just another brick in the wall...

An intense gurgling abruptly emitted from Gabriel's guts, pulling him out of his daydream. His eyes widened in surprise—and then he felt the dreaded feeling. His face clouded over as a rushing sensation stirred his bowels. An airy force was starting to barrel downward. It was all too familiar. The stew was acting up again.

He grit his teeth together. Tatiana was right; it was those stupid, delicious spices, fighting against his cursed, white boy digestive tract. Watery gurgles emitted from all three of his stomachs, pushing the gas-bomb further down south. Without thinking Gabriel forced himself onto the ground. Luckily the crowd were quick enough to dart out of the way as he firmly planted his butt down on a field of grass, crushing the plants and trees beneath him. He didn't care. He couldn't stand up when he was feeling like this. He had made that mistake in the bar.

The action shook the entire village and the tree in which Tatiana and the trio were situated. The fairies in the laboratory exchanged confused looks. Tatiana peered out of the window and noticed her boyfriend sitting. 

 _Hm,_  she thought. _He_ _must be tired._

Gabriel grinned uneasily at the crowd, his one jutting fang on show. He could see their faces a lot clearer now and they were  _not happy._ His stomachs rumbled again, making him whimper, and he tucked his tail inward. Anxiety was beginning to build within him. It wasn't the only thing.

"So," Archimedes tore away Tatiana's attention from Gabe. The Potionist added the crushed up powder into a orange liquid and watched it turn bright blue. "You're absolutely certain that you have no recollection of who may have gotten you into our world? Any odd-looking fellows you've encountered recently?"

"It's L.A, everybody's odd," Tatiana countered, then thought for a moment. "Hmm. I mean, I can't really think of..."

"We've heard reports of rogue wizards lately. They're on the rise. But a wizard wouldn't look much different to a human," the pompous fairy mused.

Tatiana had to ask. "So what happens if me and Gabe don't remember anything? Are we stuck here forever?"

"Only a wizard can undo his own magic and return you to your original state," Archimedes explained, stirring the beginnings of the potion. "Our magic is nowhere near as strong enough for that kind of spell-reversal. True wizards are so hard to find nowadays, too. Even if you were human again, you wouldn't be allowed to leave until you had your memory wiped. And alas, only the wizard who invited you can perform such an act."

What a surprise. "You know, you guys should really consider changing those rules," she groaned.

* * *

_"Nononononono.."_

Gabriel mumbled worryingly to himself as his stomachs started to get more and more agitated, revolting against the amount of stew he had consumed. Why did he have to eat **five** bowls?! Kale for every meal had obviously become old news to his palette, and he had been a little too enthusiastic with his gorging. He should've stopped when he tasted the spices. Even in his new form, it seemed that his system didn't agree with those foreign tangs.

The masses of rotten, undercooked meat he ate hadn’t helped much either.

The gurgling was starting to get more frequent, and louder, and Gabriel knew he had to fart. Badly. His body was practically _screaming_  its demands at him. But he also knew that there was nowhere near as much ventilation in this place as there was outside. If he couldn't get out of the shield in time, he'd fumigate the whole village.

"Ouch!" He winced. Now his bowels were joining in, churning as huge amounts of gas rippled down through his system. The stew was starting to boil in his intestines, riling up all three of his chambers. They were all battling to get the gas out of him as soon as possible. Gabriel started to worry that he wouldn't be able to quell his upset guts in time. The heat from his stomachs pushed against his skin and sweat began to dribble down his back.

_Need some TP, Gabie?_

Maybe it was a combination of the nerves and how the flaming spices sweltered in his gut, but Gabriel could hear Brad's voice as clear as day. It only then occurred to him that everything he was experiencing now, he had experienced before, and not too long ago, either. No. This was very much a fresh wound for the teen star.

Gabriel had been looking forward to the  _Pride of TV_  awards all year. It had nothing to do with his nomination. The awards were the most esteemed titles for television productions, and Gabriel always had been excited for it to air, even before he had become an actor. He had dreamed of being up for an award of any kind, just as long as he could be there to really experience such a great night firsthand. After his nomination as best young actor had been submitted by the academy, he had been even more thrilled to attend. He and Tatiana spent an entire weekend shopping for outfits and had even been late to their seats, for Gabriel was the most photographed celebrity that night.

Problem was, Brad Brewski had also been nominated. He was up for best actor for his role as Gabriel's best friend in the TV show they both starred in. The problem wasn't that Gabriel now had competition. No one had any doubts that he would win. He was talented (that was obvious), he was charming, he was attractive, he was popular and, to a lesser-documented degree, he was  _kind._  He always catered to fans, never too busy to sign an autograph or take a picture. It had built him up a solid, dedicated fanbase. Brad didn't even have a fan club. Gabriel dominated in areas that Brad wouldn't dare to challenge. He just didn't have the status, and much to his aggravation, Brad was deeply aware of who outranked who.

And despite Gabriel's tendency to be dim—during an interview with People magazine, he had answered a question about what he would like to change in the world with getting rid of straws in Capri Suns and replacing them with caps you could open, because, as he was quoted,  _"there's just too much risk there_ "—the public turned a blind-eye to his fumbling, seeing it as just another part of his charisma. In their eyes, Gabriel could do no wrong.

The problem was that Brad was  _jealous_. Brad was bad enough when he was feeling normal, lurking around the set with a constant smirk on his face, looking to see if there was any new extras he could spill some of Gabriel's embarrassing secrets onto, though the biggest embarrassment of them all was no longer a secret. He was harmless if you kept out of his way. But a jealous Brad was not to be messed with. Somehow, on the night of the award ceremony, Gabriel had messed with him.

Even if all he had done was sit there with Tatiana at their table, with the cameras set up at every angle to watch his reaction when he was called upon. He just sat there, smiling when he was being filmed, laughing at jokes he didn't understand and gushing endlessly to whoever would listen about Tatiana's new job at  _Raul's_ , the finest restaurant in L.A, even if nobody cared to hear about it (Tatiana wasn't on TV. That was crucial if you were to be heard.)

All he did was sit there, smile and eat his food. Lots of it. Gabe wished he had lacked an appetite that night. Maybe then he wouldn't be a fixture in the gossip around town.

Brad had looked all too smug when Gabriel's face paled—the exact moment was caught on camera, among other footage Gabriel was desperate to be permanently removed from cyberspace—and he got a bad case of rumbles, so loud everyone at the table had glanced at him. His stomach started to urgently ache. His bowels began to loosen. Before he knew it he had desperately excused himself from the table, only moments before he was to receive his reward and present his big speech, abandoning the scene to make a clumsy beeline for the nearest men's room.

Brad had looked too smug. And oh, how he'd look if he could see Gabriel now.

Gabriel could be dim, but he wasn't stupid. Something on Brad's face, a knowing look, hadn't sat well with him that night.

Now he had three stomachs that couldn't sit still. 

* * *

The troll's tail quivered as he tried to hold back the storm within. He was leaning forward slightly, pressing his tufted tail tip right up against the seat of his jeans in some pitiful attempt at bottling his inevitable emissions. All three stomachs unleashed a tremendous roar, so loud the fairies quietened. Gabriel knew that each of them had noticed that something was up with him. He shyly cleared his throat, calling out to the oak tree.

"Hey! Uh, T-Tatiana...!"

Tatiana intently surveyed Archimedes preparing the potion. Seeing him work was filling her with hope. She was feeling pretty confident about getting them back home. If she could get back to her normal size, then they wouldn't have to worry about her being crushed, or Gabriel having to carry her everywhere. They could get more travelling done, and then they could _really_ work toward finding out who had sent them to this world.

The pompous fairy heard Gabriel calling to her. "Excuse me," he gestured to the window with a grimace. "But I believe your troll is trying to... er, communicate."

Tatiana glanced at the window and saw an anxious-looking Gabriel staring at her pleadingly. She excused herself and exited the tree.

"What is it?" she asked as she landed on his shoulder. She frowned when she felt how wet his shirt was. "Why are you **_always_** so sweaty?"

"Ti, I think we have..." Gabriel cringed and wrapped his arms around his stew-stuffed belly as another long gurgle wailed out. " _Another_  predicament."

"A what?"

"I ate too much and..." Gabriel's stomachs cramped and bubbled and he whined. His tail shook behind him and Tatiana saw him carefully shifting the position of his backside. Her eyes widened in terror.

"Oh god. This ain't good," Gabe whimpered nervously, trying to calm his bad case of bubble guts.

"Gabriel, please tell me that wasn't your stomach."

"Stomach _s_ ," Gabe stressed. He could feel each of them starting to cramp. His bowels churned and rumbled, and he closed his eyes, more sweat beginning to bead on his forehead. "The spices are messin' with them- _oooft!_  Ti, I gotta get this outta me!"

"Gabe, you can't," Tatiana forewarned. "You know you can't. For real this time, you have to hold it in. You don't have a choice here."

Gas rushed around in the troll's stomachs. "B-But-"

"Gabriel," Tatiana growled furiously. "Listen to me. This is the only chance we have at actually  _doing_  something about this. We've messed around all morning. We don't have time to waste."

"But I can't hold-"

"Listen to me!" She barked and he flinched. "You've been out of control all day! You aren't screwing this up for us too. You can't afford to. If you do,  _that's it._  We're stuck here for good. All because of you."

Gabriel looked down, biting fretfully on his lip. His stomachs continued to loudly protest. It was embarrassing to be reminded that this was not the first time he had been a victim of a gas attack.

"You have to hold it in," Tatiana repeated, forcing him to look at her with her pressing tone. "For me. For _us._ Is that really asking too much?"

She knew she was manipulating him. Her tone, her body language—it was all working to play with his emotions. But there was no other option. He had to know the gravity of their situation.

Gabe's aching chambers gurgled and made him shiver. He sighed and clutched at his gut.

"I'll try," he mumbled softly. Tatiana nodded firmly. She hated to be cruel to him, but maybe the fear of disappointing his girlfriend as well as being the reason they'd be stuck here for good would be enough motivation to remain in control. She turned and flew back to the tree.

Gabriel whined as he watched her leave him. The cramping was becoming agonising, so he lay down on his side, tail still firmly plugged on the space between his buttocks. He knew what was at stake. Unfortunately, this knowledge was only making him more nervous.

Tatiana closed the laboratory door behind her. "He's, uh... gonna take a nap. He's tired from all the walking." She cleared her throat.

"By the way, how much longer is this going to take?"

"As long as it needs to," Archimedes said as he measured out more liquid. "This is an art form. One must have patience."

Tatiana had the patience. She didn't know about Gabe.

* * *

"I hope you two haven't been drawing too much attention to yourselves," the chief said. Only five minutes had passed, but it felt like an eternity to both the troll and the fairy.

"Oh, no," Tatiana lied with a skittish laugh, recalling the incident in the troll bar. "We've been very lowkey, actually."

Gabriel let out a sharp cry and turned everyone's attention, including Tatiana's, toward him. He sat up and kneeled, holding his noisy guts with both arms.

These past five minutes had been sheer torture for him. He had felt each individual cramp bite at his overloaded bowels. It felt like he was being stung with an electric prod over and over again. His nervousness was generating more gas, loading up his intestines beyond their capacity. His tanks were full. Several pounds of spicy stew had broken down into gallons of foul flatulence that his asshole was  _desperate_  to spew out.

Tatiana could see her boyfriend's tail shaking behind him. It was itching to rise into the air to let it all spill out. His shirt was stained with sweat and the crowd were looking at one another with increasing confusion.

"I can't see his face. Why's he makin' all those sounds? Is he gonna blow chunks?" A fairy at the outer rim of the gathering asked his friend.

"I hope not!" A woman in front of them shrieked. "He'll ruin the pumpkin patch we planted last week."

Gabriel moaned as his chambers gurgled, emitting a powerful bubbling sound that silenced the entire crowd.

"I don't think that's where it's gonna come out." The fairy finally answered his companion, his voice trembling with fear. The crowd had caught on, and everyone knew that the only thing worse than a troll was a troll with upset stomachs. Panic spread like a flu.

The chief raised a brow, observing the scene from the window. "What's going on with him? He's making these awful noises."

 _You haven't heard anything yet,_  Tatiana thought. If those fairies were to avoid being the victims of a deadly storm of Gabe-gas, she needed the potion  _now._

"Not to be rude, but is there any chance you guys could hurry this up?" she asked.

"I beg your pardon?" Archimedes could hardly contain his offence.

"My boyfriend, you see, he's really not feeling good." Gabe's stomachs rumbled again, drowning out any noise coming from the crowd. "He's s-sick! _Real_ sick! With a fever!" 

Gabriel whimpered from outside the lab. The trauma in each of his stomachs was reaching its breaking point. Each chamber had ballooned with gas and was forming a bomb in his bowels that could knock out a centaur.

"Sick or not, this takes time," Archimedes snapped.

Gabriel held a hand over his mouth to stop himself from crying out in pain. Now his stomachs wouldn't stop bubbling with immeasurable volumes of fierce wind.

"Could you guys open up your shield-thingy for me?" Tatiana asked frantically. "He just has to get out-"

"Madam," the pompous fairy was seething. How ignorant the young could be!

"If you're not willing to wait for something we're giving you for free, then I'm not sure we can be expected to accommodate you. Ally or not," he growled.

Gabriel's hand tore away from his mouth to clutch at his buttocks. Something was starting to move down there and his tail wasn't strong enough to contain it. This storm wasn't going to wait for his permission to come out.

"See, the thing is, you guys are _really_  gonna wanna open up the shield," Tatiana desperately urged, watching her boyfriend steadily begin to lose control.

"The troll can wait," Archimedes spat and measured out more ingredients.

Gabriel's spine shivered as he felt the gassy mass shoot through his bowels toward his rectum. Gas tore through him wildly, and he slumped forward, elbows to the ground, though his knees and backside were still raised into the air in a downward dog position. The crowd became hysteric. The more bright among them were already flying to safety. Those who weren't so bright were sitting ducks, waiting unknowingly to be gassed into next year.

Tatiana could see that there was far too many fairies still around him... and especially  _behind_  him. She sighed and started to beat her wings. She couldn't sit back and allow this to happen—she had first-hand experience of how bad it was to be behind Gabe when he let rip.

"Close the window behind me," she warned the group as she ascended. The pompous-fairy glared at her.

"And  _what_  do you think you're doing-"

"And hold your noses!" Before she left, she snatched the fairy's wand, not caring for his complaints.

"Hey! Come back here at once, you pest! That's my property!"

Tatiana thrust herself out of the window and into the village. The crowd were screaming and running around like headless chickens. They needed more incentive to move. Clearly the obviously lethal troll wasn't enough evidence.

"I can't hold it!" Gabriel miserably cried out to anyone who would listen, throwing his arms over his head. Even he didn't want to be near the monster he was about to birth, but he had no choice.

Tatiana flew high above the crowd and held the wand to her mouth.

 _"Hit the deck!"_  Her booming voice warned the village community.  _"He's gonna blow!"_

But there wasn't enough time. The crowd screamed and scattered as Gabriel's stomachs uttered their final call and his tail shot up.

Gabriel let out a forceful yell as a monstrous fart exploded out of his ass in one loud, piercing backside-bellow. It violently blasted every fairy downwind of him into the air, tearing up the grass fields in one great  _whoosh!_  The noise levelled out into a continuous brassy rip that rippled and thundered and trumpeted, as gusts of heady flatulence urgently spilled out of his bowels.

All three chambers unloaded their contents, pushing it down through his bowels and out his asshole in a flurry of flatulence. Gabriel's back arched as the illness forcibly removed itself from him. Faecal-scented gas evacuated all at once, flowing intensely from his rear-end, making the troll boy shiver and moan. But it was not from pleasure. Right now Gabriel felt everything  _but_  pleasure.

He didn't even have to push. The gas was so eager to escape that his tail was being kept in the air by the strong winds, as his bloated chambers emptied themselves of a whole week's worth of cramp-induced farts. The gigantic gas bomb poured out across the entire village in one huge, noxious wave. The roofs of several buildings were sent hurtling miles into the distance by his powerful air. The windows in every house and building were blown out by his force. Mighty structures shook and quickly caved in as he passed his torrential gas. Trees snapped in two, their leaves wilting all at once. The water in the rivers became a tsunami that flooded the fields and the remains of houses. It was chaos, all caused by one seriously upset colon.

And then, with a soft, squishy parp of air, Gabriel's bowels let out their last burst. The previous entourage having been lost to the fatal blast, a new group of flies saw their chance to invade his ripe-smelling buttocks, but dropped like pellets when he let out a puff of silent gas all over them. The smell was unbearably toxic. The remaining tornado rushed through his chambers and straight up his throat, coming out of him in a big belch. Any leftover gas that came out was silent from then on, though the odour it carried was barely recognised over the pollution Gabriel had already produced.

His tail dropped to the ground and he heaved out a deep sigh.

It was out of him.  _It was over._

Gabriel flopped onto his stomach, then rolled onto his back, forgetting all about where he was. All he could think about was how good it felt to have been relieved of his pain. Angus hadn't been lying when he said the worst was yet to come. He was just glad to have made it to the other side, jeans intact.

He closed his eyes, taking a moment of serenity for himself, barely noticing the destruction around him and the way everything felt oddly still. He wiped the sweat from his forehead. Fingers ran leisurely through his blonde hair. He stretched at an itch on his lower back. You know, without all that noise, this place wasn't so bad...

A pang of pressure hit his gut. Gabe lifted his leg and released a surprisingly long fart, considering how much gas he had just unleashed. He pat his stomach with a smile.

That was when he heard the groans. And the coughs. And the gags of people vomiting around him.

Gabe sat up and noticed the catastrophe downwind of him. If he thought the blast back at the bar had been bad, it was G-rated compared to what he had created here.

The entire village had been demolished. The final few bricks that remained of the grand-looking structures tumbled to the ground, sending dust into the air, but it was hardly discernible over the discoloured mist that seemed to be rising up from the charred grass. It was smoke. Gabriel could now see that the force and potency of his flatulence had actually  _burned_  the village, as well as the nostrils of those who lived there.

There was no more trees, no more vegetable fields, no more pleasant greenery. It looked nothing like it had before. Now the village had about as much visual appeal as a necropolis. The smell of death had nothing against the odour, though. It fit in perfectly with the swamp outside.

Gabe blinked. Had he really done all this? It couldn't have been him! He glanced to his other side. The big oak tree in the centre of the village had taken some serious damage too. Every branch was barren of leaves. Every window was smashed in. Flies had already chosen it as their new grazing spot, adoring the way it stunk of dung.

And then there was the victims. The fairies that had been unfortunate enough to not get blown away had to stay and suffer through Gabriel's rancid smell. They lay in piles, surprisingly  _not_  dead, their little chests attempting to rise up as they tried to take in a breath, but it only ended in more spluttering and gagging. Gabriel's stink was thick in the air. Even he could smell it, though he was too embarrassed to notice.

Gabriel started to blush harder than he ever had before. He scratched at the back of his neck, a nervous habit, searching the horde of victims until he spotted Tatiana. She stood at the base of the oak tree with her arms crossed tightly against her chest. Her hair was standing on end. Her weeping eyes streamed tears down her cheeks. But it didn't stop her from looking at him in the worst way, the angriest he could ever recall her being in the history of their relationship.

All the conscious fairies seemed to copy this look. Enraged glares hit him harder than darts ever could. Gabriel opened his mouth to apologise, but he knew there was nothing he could say that would help.

Actions spoke louder than words. He cleared his throat and fanned his foul behind.

"Like that's gonna help, dumbass! You've ruined everything!"

Tatiana sounded mad. Really mad. Gabriel's cheeks burned as he evaded her harsh stare, looking like a disciplined puppy. The fairies' throats finally regained some moisture and they used this opportunity to berate Gabe. Hateful words assailed him at once, and Tatiana did nothing to stop it.

"Ugly beast!"

"Abhorrent creature!"

"Filthy brute!"

“My pumpkin patch!  _Look what he’s done to it!_ ”

Gabriel's tail tucked between his legs in shame. Their taunting was silenced by the creaking of the laboratory door. All three fairies slowly stepped through. Archimedes and the pompous fairy must have been close to the window, for they looked as if they had taken significant damage from Gabriel's gas leak. Archimedes half-moon glasses had cracked from the intestinal hurricane. The pompous fairy, for once, was speechless.

But Chief Corton, as teary-eyed as he was from stepping out into the main layer of stench, had enough strength left in him to thrust a pointed spear upon Tatiana.

"Get. Out."

Gabriel got to his feet at once, noticing the shield opening up behind him and creating a new hole so they could leave. He wasn't going to stick around to apologise. This big guy meant business. Tatiana had feared that they wouldn't be too pleased with her boyfriend and that it might convince them to let them depart empty-handed.

But this was their only chance—she had to fight for it.

"What about the poti..."

 _"GET OUT!"_  Chief Corton bellowed. He didn't need a wand for his voice to be heard.

In one swooping motion, Gabriel grabbed Tatiana and made way for the gap.

"Let me go! I can talk to them!"

"They don't wanna talk, Ti!" He told her as she protested. He could hear the Chief calling upon his villagers to grasp their weapons and charge at the intruders. Tatiana punched at him weakly, then broke down in his hands, her entire body burning with frustration.

_What were they going to do now?_


	5. Heart-to-Heart

The sun had already set over the woods by the time Gabe's knees finally buckled, forcing him to collapse onto the nearest bed of grass.

Once he had started running, he hadn't stopped. He had taken he and Tatiana out far beyond the boundary of the Grove before he considered them to be anywhere near safe. He even went a little further than  _that_ , just to be sure. And even now as he lay weary and worn-out in a heap, he tried to push himself up and onto his feet, determined to keep going until they could find help.

Okay, sure, those guys were small and all, but there was plenty of them, not to mention plenty of  _spears._ He hadn't been too partial to the darts and though he was no expert on weapons, Gabe was almost certain that spears weren't much of an improvement.

His exhausted body forced him to lay down for a few moments to regain his strength. He sweated under the dense heat of the forest, prevalent even when the sun was gone. The azure sky had darkened into a rich indigo, quilting his surroundings in a pool of shadows. It was dark, but somewhere behind the hindering clouds there was stars waiting to provide their guiding light. His tired eyes took in their whereabouts and he wondered if they were any closer to where they had woken up that morning—or if he had taken them even  _further_  out.

Gabe moaned and tried to relax his smarting muscles. The day had been long, confusing and tiresome, and all he really wanted to do now was sleep.

The chirping of crickets and roosting birds were the only sounds to keep him company. Tatiana hadn't spoken to her boyfriend since they had been in the fairy village, but he guessed she had fallen asleep along the way. Even for a passenger the journey had been laborious. 

The troll closed his eyes and laid still until he could no longer hear his heart-beat pumping in his ears. Then he wet his lips and gently moved his head, hoping to wake up the tiny bundle on top of it.

"Hey, uh, Tati?" he started quietly. "Think this place is alright to camp for the night? I can’t walk much more."

When Tatiana didn't respond, Gabriel reached a hand up to make sure she was okay. He went to carefully grab her and instead heard the fluttering of wings. A weight lifted from his skull. He watched his girlfriend glide a few yards away from where he lay, landing on the ground with her back turned to him.

Gabriel swallowed and frowned, perturbed. That wasn't usually a good sign.

"So, uhh..." Yellow claws scratched timidly at an itch on his arm. "We doin' the silent treatment now, or?"

Tatiana's wings twitched... but she said nothing. Anxiety churned his sensitive guts. He could sense the beginnings of an argument between them. Sadly, at this point, he was rather well-versed in it.

"Fine." Gabriel sat upright, dusting the dirt from his knees. "Whatever. s'not like I care."

After all, he didn't need her consent to fall asleep. He patted down the grass and lay on his side with his head propped up by one hand. The troll adjusted his position until he felt comfortable, ignoring the prodding and poking of twigs underneath him.

"I can be silent too, you know," he announced, before his tail hiked upward and out ripped a rasping fart.

He flinched at the trumpeting racket and turned his head, grudgingly glancing downwind. It had become a standard procedure for him to check who his ass had assaulted. A row of weeds wavered and wilted under a cloud of his olid gas.

"...oops."

"For God's sake," Tatiana complained peevishly. Gabe's green skin started to flush and redden, much to his annoyance.

"That was an accid-"

"An accident," Tatiana interrupted. " _Sure._ " She shook her head, throwing him a sharp look over her shoulder. "Doesn't make it any less  ** _gross_** , does it?"

Gabe shrunk back as though she was looming over him, spitting her harsh words right into his face. It certainly wasn't the first time someone had called him gross that day. He had received more public condemnation today than he had ever received over the course of his eighteen years. But hearing it from his girlfriend, the only companion he had out here, made it all the more harrowing. He hadn't felt anywhere near as bad as this when the others criticised him. This time, he felt it right in his chest.

His chest would have to wait. Gabriel's stomachs started to clench and rumble, and he groaned as he felt something shifting in his bowels.  _Oh god,_ he thought, mortified. _Not now!_

He cleared his throat, hoping to block out the noises of his clamorous intestines as he indistinctly attempted to muffle his middle. It was a pointless endeavour. Tatiana scoffed at the fuss his belly was making.

"Oh, what a surprise!"

"I'm not gonna- _oOOOOUUURRRP!!_ " Gabe tried to throw a hand over his mouth in time but exploded with a massive burp. He shyly brought his hand away, resting it on his ailing guts.

"I'm n-not doing it on purpose..." He mumbled guiltily. 

He bit into his lip and softly whined as he felt his tail trying to lift into the air again. Gas had already amassed and was waiting to be unleashed. He concentrated on keeping it down, but he was starting to falter against the growing pressure of his easing bowels.

"You might as well do it," Tatiana taunted, turning to face him with a sneer on her face. "We both know you can't hold it in."

Gabe tried to ignore her, but his stomachs were getting more upset by the second. A wailing gurgle confirmed what he was trying to disguise. 

"My boyfriend," Tatiana lifted her arms into the air, gesturing toward Gabriel as though she was presenting him to an audience. "The world's number one incontinent teen idol!"

_FFffffrrrrnnnrrrrrt!_

Gabriel yelped as he let out a thick stream of pungent flatulence.

"Or should that be number two?"

"Shut up," Gabriel retorted quietly, lowering his head. His cheeks were burning. This was all so very awkward. Why did he _still_  have so much gas? Hadn't he embarrassed himself enough?

His bowels rumbled again, and Gabriel groaned as he felt himself accidentally push out another resounding fart. He clutched at his unsettled tummy and begged for it to stop. This wasn't fair!

"God, you are such a _pig,_ " Tatiana chastised sharply. Gabriel, who had been trying to avoid looking at her, couldn't contain his surprised glance. Had she really just said that?

Tatiana stiffened a little as their eyes met. She had shocked herself with that one...

But she was too furious with him to stop. He had ruined their one chance, their _only_  chance—how could he expect her to be okay with this? She nearly started frothing with anger as she barked out more insults.

"You're the  _filthiest_ , most  **disgusting** -"

"S-Shut up!"

_Pprrrpprrrt! PrrrmmffFFRRRPRRT!_

"-you're the biggest slob I've ever met!"

Gabriel farted again and again. A rotten-meat scented haze was building up around them, encasing them in a brown-hued mist. His gas was completely uncontrollable and getting worse as he grew more anxious. He had a feeling that Tatiana knew this and was purposely trying to lure out his humilating reaction. 

He whimpered, covering his face with his hands.

"Oh, I can't wait to tell  _Jaguar Rhythm_  all about this," Tatiana continued with a cruel laugh. "It'll be your biggest spread yet!"

Gabriel farted voluminously and tried not to sound too hurt. "You p-promised you wouldn't tell anybody..."

"Imagine if your fans could see you like  _this._  Look at yourself! Shrek has more sex appeal than you do!"

More loud, foul gas tore out of her boyfriend's backside. Gabriel's tail swished as he desperately ventured to get rid of the noxious stench, but every time he'd fan away a cloud, he'd let out more sickly wind. Tatiana leered at his round, toned rump.

"I reckon flies'll be the only fans you'll have left," she snorted. Suddenly her entire face lit up, eyes glinting deviously.

"Oh! Imagine what Brad's gonna think!"

Gabriel felt panic wash over him like he had just walked under a cold shower. "He's not gonna see me like this," he disputed, his own face paling. They'd get turned back before then...  _right?_

"Man, he'd have a field day," Tatiana cackled. "You looking like  _this_ , walking around blasting ass everywhere! You'll stink up the entire set!"

"Shut up already!"

"Whatever he'd say, I wouldn't blame him. He'd be right. Everybody  _should_  be laughing at you. You're such a screw up."

Gabriel's brow furrowed as he considered defending himself, but the words got stuck in his throat. "I...I..."

"And worst of all," Tatiana toured around him until she was looking directly up at her boyfriend's blushing, solemn face. "You're so  _ugly_."

Gabriel tried to hide the humiliation rolling off him in waves. His shame was as obvious as his odour. His claws dug into the soil as he fought against the urge to hit her with a taste of her own medicine. He looked right into Tatiana's eyes, furiously at first, then his gaze softened.

He couldn't be nasty to her. He didn't know how to be.

He sighed and faced away from her, blinking his eyes before she could see them wetting.

"You don't mean any of that," he said, more to himself as a reassurance than to Tatiana. "You're just mad. You always say dumb stuff when you're mad."

"Oh, I mean everything. And I'll tell  _every_ body once we get home, too. Oh! Wait!" She lifted a hand to her mouth, as though she was shocked. " _I can't!_  Because my idiotic excuse of a boyfriend got us stuck here for good!"

Gabriel didn't move a muscle, nor did he say anything.

"You deserve to be like this," she growled. "It's all your fault."

"No, it's not," Gabriel fought back shakily. 

"Oh, so you  _didn't_  completely obliterate— ** _literally_** —any chance we had of getting us back home? That was another farting troll?"

"There's-" Gabriel started, looking around the forest. All he could see was darkness. The night surpassed all. The stars were still shied away, hidden behind an abundance of clouds. He could barely make out the trees in front of him. If they tried going anywhere, they'd get lost.

There was no way out.

"There's... there's gotta be another way, Ti..."

"Well, if there is, I don't wanna find it with you."

Gabriel looked over at her curiously. Tatiana had started walking in the opposite direction.

"I'm leaving, Gabriel," she said without turning around, and not as strongly as she had hoped she'd sound. "I'll get back home on my own."

Gabriel sat up at once. "No! Tatiana, wai-"

She stormed off. Gabriel felt a force growing in his throat, bubbling up like a volcano, and swiftly let loose with a fearsome snarl. He slammed his tail down heavily in the ground, sending a cloud of dust up into the air and blocking Tatiana from getting any further away.

Tatiana gasped and quickly concealed her shock. She pushed at his thick, tufted appendage, but it wouldn't move.

"Move, Gabe," she ordered.

"No," Gabe countered icily, "You're staying here."

Tatiana beat her wings together and leapt into the air. Gabe's fingers curled around her and yanked her back to him. He dropped her at his side, snorting air through his nose like a bull. It fluttered her clothes as she held an arm out to block it.

 _"Stay here,"_  he commanded through gritted, crooked teeth. "You go out there all by yourself and you'll be killed. You aren't even ten inches high! I'm not letting you do something as stupid as that."

Tatiana blinked. She hadn't ever heard Gabe sound so strict. "I... I can-"

"No, you can't," he interrupted. "Whatever it is, you can't do it. So you're staying here with me." He exhaled and turned away from her, shaking his head in dismay. "I don't care whether you want to or not. You don't have a choice."

Tatiana waited to see whether he'd revert to his usual, goofy ways, but her boyfriend was adamant. He wouldn't even look at her. She sighed despondently and blew the hair out of her face, leaning against his arm.

"I'd be fine, you know," she sulked childishly. "At least it wouldn't smell so much."

He tried to ignore her. He had been trying to ignore her attitude for the past five minutes. But even someone as soft as him had limits, and she had pushed them all. Much like his derriere, it all came spilling out of Gabe.

"God, don't you remember _anything?!_  You running off like that is what got us into this mess in the first place!" 

Tatiana's brow creased. Her head snapped around to look up at him.

"And what's  _that_  supposed to mean?"

"We were at Venice Beach, and everybody kept comin' up to me to ask for an autograph and I can't say no and you were getting mad and then you decided it'd be a great idea to just run off under the boardwalk to where all those weird hobos live and I told you  _no, Ti, that's a bad idea_  and you said  _no, Gabe, it's a great idea!,_  because you said I  _owed_  you it and that they'd actually pay attention to you and you were so  _drunk_  and you wouldn't listen to me and-"

Unexpectedly, Gabe suddenly went silent. He cleared his throat, feeling as though he had gotten a little carried away, and lay low to the ground.

"...never mind."

"No, tell me-"

"It doesn't matter," he snapped. He rested his head on his arms and sighed tiredly. He didn't want to play the blame-game. It wasn't his kind of sport.

"Just… get some sleep, Ti. Goodnight." 

Tatiana sat down. Once she realised he had no plans to talk to her, she started to mope. She felt she at least deserved to. She was still covered in dirt and grime and all sorts, and she stunk, and now her boyfriend was angry at her because she had said too many vile things again, even if the frustration  _was_  justified. They had absolutely no means of getting back home, or returning to even a semblance of their former normality. 

They only had each other out here.

Now neither of them wanted anything to do with the other person.

Tatiana bowed her head. Sleep was her only remaining option. Part of her still believed this was one big, bad nightmare. If so, maybe there was a chance, even a slim one, that she'd wake up tomorrow morning and everything would be normal again.

Her eyes drifted shut, but after a moment she felt her mouth twist into a grimace. She could smell something. At first she assumed it was the usual green-skinned culprit beside her, but this didn't smell bad. It just smelled...  _strong._  Really strong. So strong she started to feel dizzy...

* * *

"Hey, can you come clean this shit up?"

Tatiana looked up from where she was standing behind the buffet table. She hadn't yet been officially introduced to Bradley Brewski, and yet she doubted that it would make any real difference. As long as they were on set (and possibly off-set too, if the current impression she had of him was anything to go by), she was not a person, she was staff. Even if this was only her first day, and she had just endured a fourteen-hour long shift, she was nothing more than a catering assistant. He was a principal cast member. The power structure on a TV set was painfully unambiguous.

But even if they were still  _on_  the set, it was no longer a working day. It was just past seven o'clock and Tatiana was finally a person again. Shooting had been wrapped up. It should've been wrapped up at five in accordance to the usual schedule, but a cast member injured their arm during a stunt and three whole scenes had to be reshot to accommodate the changes. She and the head of catering, Wanda, had stayed behind to get started on tomorrow's preparations, as well as feeding the hungry cast members who had to perform over-time.

The cafeteria was empty, except from one table. Bradley Brewski, the second highest paid child actor on the show, was currently leading a giggle-filled discussion with a handful of female extras. They had demolished the pasta Tatiana had made them last minute, as well as the three pizzas they had requested—no, that was putting it lightly— _dictated_  she go out and pick up from a local Italian restaurant. Local being almost forty-five minutes away. Mr. Brewski was too good for Papa John's.

Someone had spilled their drink. Again. Third time's the charm, Tatiana guessed.

"Hellooo?" Bradley waved his hand as though Tatiana couldn't spot him in the vacant room. The girls giggled. "Earth to lunch lady?"

"I'm off-duty," Tatiana replied, and continued fixing the plate she had saved for herself. She hadn't eaten since five that morning. Hanger was taking over and she was not in the mood to be tested by some prissy child star.

"You serve the food, you're a lunch lady," Brad clarified bluntly. He gestured to the spillage, which had somehow accumulated in the thirty seconds since their conversation had began. "Now clean it."

The extras found this  _hilarious._

Tatiana had a choice to make. She could either take this plate of pasta and throw it into Brad's face, costing her the three-month-contract she had secured with this TV show, her experience, wages, and her Grandma's famous macaroni and cheese that she had been spent all morning making. Or, she could swallow her pride, and wander over to the table with a wet rag to clean up the mess that had been purposely made for her. She did not want to waste her Grandma's mac and cheese on someone like Brad Brewski. The decision was made.

She grabbed the nearest rag and endured the not-so-subtle comments Brad made to the girls about her weight.

Tatiana knew she was big. She was a chef in training, it kinda came with the job. She tested food on a regular basis. Occasionally, that food would be so good she'd have some more. And sometimes hormones and stress would join hands to royally fuck her over, and she'd take a pint of ice cream and a few bags of Doritos up to her room and blare music so her parents couldn't hear her overeating again. She was big, and she didn't want to be big, but she was working on it. Right now, other things happened to be taking priority.

She retreated into the storage cabinets and did her best to force back her tears. She couldn't eat in here—they'd know then, that she was hiding from them, but she couldn't bear to go out there and sit by herself, knowing that Brad would be ridiculing her behind her back. Or, knowing Brad and his pendant for everything that wasn't sensitivity, it'd probably be to her face.

Her stomach growled. She needed to eat  _some_ thing. Tatiana grabbed her plate—taking a few pieces of bread away so Brad didn't have material to use for his quips—and sat down a few tables from them. Her chair groaned as she lowered herself into it. The laughter increased. Suddenly her appetite had completely disappeared.

"...hey, could I sit here?"

Tatiana lifted her head and audibly gasped. Gabriel Malone was standing in front of her with a tray of food in his hands.  _The_  Gabriel Malone, the star of this  _entire_  production with its endless ensemble of talent, even if it hadn't been intentional; the focus had been on the father, but Gabe had stolen the show with his performance. His subtle line deliveries, his innumerable range of expressions, his fourteen-year-old finesse. His acting aged like wine. TV critics had pondered on how exactly the stars aligned when Gabriel Malone was born, to have such talent hatched from a seemingly ordinary womb.

Gabriel Malone with the boundless charisma, Gabriel Malone with the deep, sultry voice... Gabriel Malone with the  _really_  cute floppy hair.

Gabriel Malone, who stood there blinking and stammering nervously, then starting to blush when more ear-piercing laughter came from Brad's table.

"That's fine," he quickly answered his own question to avoid further embarrassment. "It's totally cool, I'll just go-"

"No! No," Tatiana returned from her daydream and gestured to the free seats around her. "No, of course it's okay. Please, sit."

A small smile formed on Gabriel's freckled face. "Thanks."

The blonde pulled out a chair across from Tatiana and sat down. The way he acted, he looked almost shy to her. And yet, some may say he ruled the roost here. He was a star and this was his universe.

And  _she_  had been invited to gaze upon it. 

But... why? Tatiana wondered why he hadn't just sat with Brad. They were convincing best friends on the show. So convincing that she had assumed it wouldn't be too much different in reality. She looked over at their table.

Brad whispered something to the extras and their laughter rang across the room. _"Oh, no way! He does that?"_  Someone asked, to which Brad insisted, yes, Gabriel Malone  _does_  do that, and the laughter got louder.

Gabriel's blushing got worse, spreading across his freckle-dotted cheeks. He weakly grabbed a fork and stuck it into his portion of mac and cheese, taking away the crusty top layer and releasing a cloud of steam from the soft, cheesey goodness beneath. At once he seemed to perk up, leaning forward with his elbows on the table to scoop some into his mouth. Tatiana couldn't help but sit and stare.

Gabriel chewed, swallowed, then looked right at her.

"Did you make this?" he asked.

 _Do you like it?_  Tatiana wanted to ask. That would have a huge effect on her answer.

"…yeah," she replied, eventually. "Well—me and a whole bunch of other people. But it's my Grandma's recipe."

"It's so good!" Gabriel cheered. Tatiana felt so much pride she nearly fell out of her seat. She hadn't ever felt as complimented before.

"Our last catering crew were pretty good too, but it wasn't like  _this,_ " Gabriel chowed down some more, moaning with exaggerated happiness. Tatiana laughed, and to her surprise, she felt comfortable enough to join him, sticking her fork into her own plate. She hadn't noticed that, although Brad and his table continued to giggle and whisper just as loud as before, she couldn't really hear them anymore.

"I love cheese," Gabe continued, already halfway finished with his fairly massive portion. "My mom tells me to go easy on it, but I can't. It's so good. And this stuff—it's  _so_  creamy."

"It's only got four ingredients. My Grandma doesn't do the whole white sauce thing. You know, Béchamel or whatever. She says good mac and cheese should be like the box kind. Mac and cheese shouldn't be fancy."

"The box kind is the best," Gabe agreed, hastily adding, "Apart from this, obviously."

Tatiana chuckled. "It's just cheese, milk, pasta and a whole lot of butter. And seasoning... obviously."

"Tell your Grandma I said it's great," Gabe said. Tatiana nodded. She was sure her grandma wouldn't care too much about having the approval of a beloved teen star, but she did.

For a moment she forgot she was staring at him. But Gabriel noticed, and his smile got a little wider.

"You been here long?"

Tatiana was lost in her thoughts—and his eyes. "Huh?" 

"I asked how long you've been here. I don't think I've ever seen you before."

"Oh, no, this is my first day," she said. "I'm here until the end of this season. Every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. I got school with you too, I think."

"Oh, great! 'cause I could get used to this," Gabriel grinned.

"Well, there's plenty more where that came from," she enthused shyly. 

"Maybe we can sit together again? Gets kinda lonely eating by myself."

Tatiana blinked. She hadn't expected  _that._  What was more surprising was that it sounded like a request, rather than a demand,  _ala Brad._  She was sure Gabriel could have anybody he wanted sitting with him—certainly all the extras would prefer his company over Brad's. She nodded, weakly at first, then gaining the courage to add a little grin of her own.

"S-Sure. Yeah, that'd be cool."

Gabriel beamed his famous, charismatic smile and made Tatiana feel like she was the only one in the room. 

"Look, this is delicious, uh... hey, what's your name?"

"Tatiana."

"Cool. I'm Gabe," Gabe said, as if she wouldn't already know. "This is delicious, Tatiana, but I got something that'll make it even better. Hang on."

He slid out of his seat and Tatiana saw him disappear into the storage room. She noticed Brad tracking his every move. The extras were no longer entertaining enough for him, and the feeling appeared to be mutual.

Gabriel soon returned, holding something behind his back. He grinned mischievously as he placed a plastic bottle down on the table.

"They don't put this in any of the magazines 'cause it's kinda weird, but-"

"Mac and ranch!" Tatiana cried, with more energy than anyone had ever addressed ranch dressing in its life. Brad and the extras looked over at her and laughed. Tatiana felt humiliation wrapping its arms over her, threatening to make her choke, but Gabriel was nodding eagerly.

"Exactly! You wanna try it?"

"I  _love_  it," she focused on him, ignoring the others. Despite his star-studded-status, he made her feel at ease. "I have it all the time. I just didn't think they had any here."

"I make them keep a bottle just for me," Gabriel explained. "There's an extra shelf at the bottom of the refrigerator, right at the back. It's my secret stash. Although, I guess it ain't so secret now."

Tatiana snorted. At least they had common ground, even if it was weird, slightly unappetising food combinations.

"My Grandma acts like it's sacrilege when I put some on this," she said.

"No offense to your Grandma, but this is _exactly_  how mac and cheese should be eaten. It brings out the cheesiness," Gabriel insisted. 

"It's ranch, it's great on everything."

"I've never heard wiser words."

Tatiana laughed joyfully and sensed herself blushing when she saw Gabriel staring at her with soft, welcoming eyes.

"I guess comin' from a professional chef, it's gotta be true, right?" he said, carefully unscrewing the bottle's lid.

"Oh, I'm not-" Tatiana shook her head, disregarding the implication. "I'm just a trainee right now."

"Hmm," Gabriel shrugged impishly. "I dunno. This tastes pretty professional to me."

Tatiana bit into her lip. Gabe shook the bottle and aimed it at her plate.

"Allow me?"

Tatiana smiled. "Fire away."

Gabriel shook it and gave it a squeeze—

_BBRRRRLLRRRRPPPRRRT!_

"Damn it!"

Gabe's gassy outburst brought Tatiana back to the present. She looked over at him, and he blushed and briskly looked away, looking fully upset with himself and his smelly rump.

Tatiana glanced down at her chest. The little bag of Memory Cloves were resting neatly in her bra. They must've opened when she had been moving. She brought one out, looking over its entwined muddy-coloured leaves, sniffing it. When she took a big inhale, she could see herself and Gabriel in her head; younger and naiver, a budding friendship that turned to love before either of them knew it.

That had been their first meeting, almost five years ago. Now look at them. Did either of them have any idea what was in store for them back then?

Gabriel's tail swished, idly hitting her in the process. She was sure they wouldn't have been able to predict  _this._

But being turned into a troll wasn't the only unexpected part of their relationship. Tatiana still wondered to this day whether it was all one big joke at her expense. She would've never imagined that someone like her could be adored by someone like Gabriel. And he didn't just love her, he  _adored_  her. He never stopped talking about her to other people, to the point that he actually became annoying. He was her biggest fan. He made her feel like no matter what she looked like—overweight, clumsy, awkward—she was always, undoubtedly worth the while.

Having someone as famous and respected as Gabriel in her life made a huge difference to her confidence as a younger girl. She had lost the weight long ago, it had been mostly puppy fat and dropped off her with a little more exercise and a little less eating. But she had never once felt pressured to lose it. Because she knew that no matter how she looked, Gabriel would love her.

Gabe had been there for her when she felt ugly. She understand now that she had to be there for him.

Tatiana heaved a great sigh—the realisation of how cruel she had been to him was beginning to suffocate her. An apology would not cut it, but she had to try.

She stood up and wandered around until she could see Gabriel's face. His head was still resting on his arms. His eyes were closed, but she knew he wasn't sleeping.

"Gabe," she began softly. He didn't look at her. 

"Gabe... I'm  _so_  sorry. That was a horrible bunch of stuff to say," she murmured faintly.

Gabriel stirred gently. "It's okay, Ti," came a low voice.

"No it's not. It was  _horrible._ It was awful and it was... it was all untrue." Tatiana wrung her hands nervously. "I'm angry and I took it out on you."

"It's definitely true," Gabriel said, opening his eyes. She could see they were still damp.

"No, it's  _not_ ," Tatiana reproached him, shaking her head for emphasis. "Gabe, I only said that stuff 'cause I was mad."

"I'm ugly," her boyfriend declared. Tatiana frowned, her mouth instinctively opening to disagree, but there was something about the certainty in his voice that perplexed her, throwing her off her usual tirade of assurances. As if he couldn't be convinced otherwise.

He exhaled and ran a hand through his hair.

"I know what're you gonna say. Plenty of worse things in the world to be than ugly. I know I'll live," he snorted, looking like all the spirit had been drained out of him. "But my career..."

Gabriel trailed off. He was too afraid to say it. Tatiana tilted her head, peering curiously at him, unsure of where they were headed. Gabe chewed on the inside of his mouth, eyes distant and thoughtful.

Eventually, he turned to her.

"You know what stunk the most about the award ceremony? I mean... aside from my pants?"

Tatiana was taken aback. Gabriel had banned all discussions of that night since it happened. Even if he was inviting it, she was still hesitant to break the unspoken rules.

"Gabe, we don't have to talk about this."

"No, I want to," Gabe affirmed weakly, then nodded, his confidence growing. "I do. I wanna talk about it. Can we?"

"Su... of course," Tatiana gave in, trying to be encouraging even if she was still afraid. She flew up onto his shoulder.

"I mean, I couldn't  _stop_  talking about it at one point," he laughed, thinking back to before the dreaded incident. "I was looking forward to that night for months. My mom made such a big deal of checking off the calendar every morning. She was as excited as I was. Talked about it with all her friends..." Gabe nibbled on his lip. "Can't imagine she had much to say afterwards."

 _All the newspapers did,_  Tatiana thought. And they hadn't beat around the bush about it, either.

"I couldn't sleep the night before," Gabriel continued dreamily. "I thought—you know, maybe this meant that I was finally  _good_  at something. If all these people, all these real, smart critics, can look at me, and say that _I_  can act, then it's gotta be true. They know best, right? And they thought that  _I_  was the best. That meant the world to me."

Gabriel looked down, pondering for a moment.

"...But nobody cared," he muttered. "After it all happened, you know... nobody cared that I actually  _won_  the stupid thing. All they cared about was me making an idiot out of myself. And I am an idiot."

"Gabe," Tatiana's heart swelled for him, "you’re no-"

"I am. I'm famous 'cause of how I look. You  _know_  that’s the only reason! It's got nothing to do with me, I didn't  _choose_  to look like this. I didn't have to do anything. But bein' smart," he laughed flatly. "Bein' talented, like you, that's all because of how hard you work."

"You work hard," Tatiana persisted. "You put in all those hours every single day and you  _never_  complain. All the directors love you."

"Yeah, reading lines in a different way over and over again. That ain't work, Ti. You can teach parrots to do that."

"Gabriel, people still care," she pressed on, "I told you this before. You’ve still got plenty of fans. You just... well..." Now she really had to be careful with what she said. "You had an accident, baby. It was out of your control. You couldn't do anything about it."

"I shit my pants, Ti," he said impassively. 

"And people shit their pants a lot! It's totally normal!"

Gabe looked over at her with a dubious expression.

"...in small doses," she confessed after a moment. "And hopefully not on a regular basis. But I bet you ten bucks that every single day, someone in the world shits themselves. I  _bet_  you."

Gabriel exhaled heavily. "Do they do it on live TV in front of millions of people?"

“Uhh…”

Her boyfriend stared at her expectantly.

"Well..." Tatiana bit her lip, then added strongly, as though it may soothe him, "We didn't actually  _see_  you do it."

"Thank god," Gabriel shuddered. "Honestly, I haven't ever been sick like I was that night. It was like a volcano was coming out of my ass. Came outta me like it was shot from a cannon! It was all over the wall..."

Tatiana cleared her throat and tried to think pleasant thoughts. He was certainly painting a picture.

"You know that experiment you do in fourth grade with the Coke and the Mentos?"

"Yeah, Gabe, I get it."

"It was like that, but from my ass."

" _Okay_ , Gabe."

"Literally exploded outta me," Gabriel's eyes had clouded over like he was experiencing a war flashback. "I left twenty bucks for whoever was cleaning the place that night. Poor guy... I pulled down my pants, but they were already covered in-"

_"Gabriel."_

"And I sat on the toilet for ten minutes and cried," he continued. Tatiana found herself flooded with sympathy. "I didn't think my life could get any worse. It was all over my legs and my shoes, and I managed to get  _most_ of it off, but I forgot... I forgot to clean..."

Gabriel held his head in his hands and struggled to subdue a sob. Tatiana knew what was coming next. The infamous picture. It had been printed in every newspaper, shown on every TV network, and had went viral online. The Beatles walking across to Abbey Road didn't match up to the notoriety Gabe's picture had reached.

Gabriel had made _some_  attempt to clean his shoes, if the small wad of toilet paper was any evidence to go by. Unfortunately, he had neglected to wipe. The substance he was supposed to have removed had acted like glue and he had walked out of the toilet with it still attached.

"It was supposed to be my big moment. I can't believe I forgot to clean my shoes! I'm  _such_  an idiot. Nobody would've noticed if I remembered," he mourned. 

Tatiana thought it was obvious from the way he ran from their table like his arse had been set alight, but knew that wasn't what he wanted to hear.

"You were in a rush, honey," she reassured him. Gabriel started to sniffle. 

"Oh, Gabie, don't cry! It wasn't your fault."

He put on a brave face and nodded. "You're right, it wasn't," he agreed wholeheartedly. "I was poisoned."

"Yeah, the catering could've been a little bit better. I think it might've been the fish..."

"No, not food poisoning.  _Fool_  poisoning."

Tatiana blinked. "You've lost me, bud." 

"Brad! Brad put something in my food!" Gabe cried.

Tatiana couldn’t call the idea  _out there_ , but he still seemed to be reaching.

"Oh, Gabe, you don't know that."

"Didn't you see the face he was making? He looked like this."

Gabe pulled something cross between a scowl and a smirk.

"But he always looks like that," Tatiana argued.

"It was different that night. I don't know what he did, or when, but he wanted to make me look like an ass. And he did. He wanted the whole world to see me as gross as possible, because he knew that all I am is a pretty face. Once he took that away from me, I was nothing." Gabe swallowed, pushing back the sob that was crawling up his throat. "There's nothing talented about me."

“You know that's not true," Tatiana said quietly, lost in how to tell him otherwise. "I  _know_  you know that."

"Without my looks, I'm _useless_ , Ti. Nobody cared that I won! Tony said the fan letters have stopped coming in, and magazine sales went down by—well, I dunno  _what_  exactly, but it was a lot. Nobody wants a poster of the guy who shit himself on their wall. No interviews.... nothing."

Gabriel sighed and buried his head in the soft grass. Tatiana had a feeling he was trying to hide oncoming tears.

"Brad got exactly what he always wanted," he barely even whispered. "I never done  _anything_  to the guy," he sniffed, rubbing at his face. "Now nobody'll talk to me 'cept you."

Ti frowned. "But what about everybody from the set?" she asked, sounding as hopeful as she could. He had friends there, at least an acquaintance or two. She was sure of it.

"Pfft," Gabriel snorted, closing his eyes tightly shut. "What  _friends?_  I came back on Monday and they couldn't even look at me."

They being the Snub Club, the name given to all the child actors who worked on the Snub Pollard set where Gabe's show was filmed. The lot usually filmed three shows at once, so there was plenty of people their age around.

"Jenna must've thought I was invisible. I brushed against Melissa and she acted like she had stuck her hand into a toilet bowl! Had to sit by myself at lunch..." Gabe's bottom lip trembled. "And Brad's got everybody calling me Pampers."

He started to cry. Tatiana flew down until she had landed at his buried face, and caressed his cheek, her tiny thumb brushing against the light brown specks on his skin.

"Gabe, it's gonna be okay. I  _promise._  Please don't cry," she soothed, lovingly pressing herself against him in the world's smallest hug.

"I'm not upset." Gabe pushed himself onto his side and wiped away the running tears. "I'm  _angry._  I'm annoyed. But… I dunno. Maybe it was inenvytable."

Tatiana didn't bother to correct him with the pronunciation this time.

"Maybe my time _is_  up, Ti. Can't be a teen idol forever, right?" Gabriel lay on his back and thumped his thick tail, dragging it across the ground. "I felt it comin' for a while. My mom had been making hints. I had all this pressure, and it just exploded."  _Literally,_ Tatiana thought.

"But I dunno what I'm gonna do," he continued. "Nobody thinks I'm worth hiring anymore. I ain't an actor. I didn't win any award. I'm just the guy who crapped himself at the world's biggest award ceremony. That’s my crowning achievement,” he sighed, looking thoroughly crestfallen. “Can't put that on a resume."

Gabe let out a shuddery exhale as he sat upright. He tucked his knees in toward him. He hid his face in his arms. Tatiana let him get a few tears out before she said anything.

"You know, you're not alone."

Gabe looked up from behind the shield he had created.

"I know I've been a little off the rails lately," she admitted with an embarrassed smile. "Drinking and partying and taking it all out on you. It's not fair. I'm so sorry, Gabe. You deserve so much more than that."

Tatiana gently kicked her legs against him.

"...it's my parents," she divulged timidly. "They still want me to go to NYU."

Gabe wiped the back of his hand across his running nose. "But I thought you told 'em you were gonna work at  _Raul's_?"

"Oh, didn't you hear? Being a chef just won't work out for me," Tatiana informed bitterly. "Even though I've been taking cooking seriously since I was ten. Even though I've been working jobs since I was  _fourteen._  But no, it's just not for me!” She clenched her jaw. “It's not how the modern woman should live,  _apparently_."

A moment passed between them.

"But it's how  _you_  wanna live, right?" Gabe said. He paused, brows furrowed as he studied the ground. "What'd your Grandma say about it?"

"She told me to ignore them. It's harder than it looks. Especially now that everyone else is going to college."

"Not everybody," Gabe negated shyly. His grades had been alright, but they weren't the best. Not enough to impress any universities.

"I felt like telling them,  _'who gives a fuck what everybody else expects you to do?_ '" Tatiana snapped passionately. "What about what  _I_  wanna do? What about what makes  _me_  happy?"

Tatiana’s expression went from anger, to frustration, to sadness. She found herself immersing her little body in the warm crook of his neck.

"Why won't they let me be happy, Gabe?" 

Gabe let out a soft whimper. "Life stinks.”

"Tell me about it," Ti agreed, nose scrunching slightly as she tried to ignore the nineteenth SBD he had ripped.

A bird called from somewhere in the immense black blanket above them, and the couple found themselves drawn up toward a sky brimming with bright stars. Among them, the great luminous orb hung in the stratosphere like a prized portrait. The light had finally found them.

"Although, you know, it's not really been on my mind since we've been out here," she mused.

"Mine too," Gabe agreed, admiring the view. "Been too busy dealin' with this," he grabbed and lifted his tail, and they both laughed.

Tatiana sighed. She was feeling surprisingly palliated by their talk.

"Maybe we needed this," she said thoughtfully. "Maybe we needed a break."

"Well, this is the worst vacation I've ever had," her boyfriend grunted. 

Tatiana smiled and nudged his neck with her elbow.

"You know, if we were back home, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You would've ignored my calls."

"And you would've ran off to be with the hobos," Gabe shot back with a smirk.

"Yeah. We're doing better though, aren't we?" Tatiana patted his shoulder, wondering if this trip was more of a blessing than a curse. She  _had_  hoped for an opportunity for them to get away from it all, just the two of them... had she found it out here?

"I guess I just needed some time to be with the guy who makes me happiest. Just us two. That's all I ever want. To be with you," she turned her head and smiled up at him.

Gabriel returned the smile, but not for long. He couldn't quite forget his current state.

"Not when I'm like this," he muttered dejectedly.

"Who said?"

"Well..." Gabriel frowned and looked down at her. " _Do_  you?"

"I want you no matter how gassy you are," Ti vowed. "I don't care. You're still my handsome guy."

Gabriel’s cheeks coloured at her compliment. "But we'll get changed back, right?"

"Would you leave me if we couldn't?"

"No! Of course not. It's just... when I was with Angus and all those guys, they made me feel better about being like this 'cause I thought we were still gonna be able to go home. Now I know we're stuck here..." He trailed off, unable to form words. Tatiana gave him the chance to mould them.

"I _always_  wanna be with you, Ti. I wanna do all those things we said we would. You know,” he smiled sweetly, recalling all of their old, heartfelt discussions. “Get our house with our big fancy kitchen."

"And our ranch shelf at the bottom of the fridge," Ti finished their much-practised routine.

Gabriel laughed, but the happiness departed quickly. "You can’t have that when you're a troll." 

"How do you know that?"

"Ti, we'd—" Gabe spluttered. He couldn’t comprehend it. "We couldn't go back like  _this_."

"I dunno if we've got a choice, Gabe."

"Well, what would I do? How would we make money?"

"I'll cook. Hell, I could even cook if we got stuck here. I know for a fact they're not doing a very good job in those bars," she said, fanning the air, as the twentieth SBD made its appearance. "You could help me. Or maybe your troll friends could help you get a job somewhere."

Gabe couldn't believe what she was saying. "Ti, you couldn't  _marry_  a troll."

"I beg to differ. Marriage equality has come a long way in our world. Maybe it’s the same here."

"Y-Yeah, but..." Gabe searched for his next argument. "What about kids?"

"I don't need kids to be happy," Ti said conclusively.

"You say that  _now_ , but what about in ten years? When all your friends and your sister have kids?"

Tatiana smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Then I'll have you," she told him.

Gabriel blushed warmly and smirked. "Are you calling me a child?"

"Yes. That's  _exactly_  what I'm calling you."

Gabriel giggled. Her words brightened his features, bringing him back to the boy she knew best. Tatiana wondered how she had ever endured seeing him upset. She climbed up his neck, using his ear as a means to get to his nose, and then rested there, so Gabe had to go a little squinty-eyed in order to see her.

"Gabe," she began, "I don't care what you look like, or how famous you are or... how many times you publicly shit yourself," she pressed her forehead against his. "None of those things mattered when I fell in love with you. They still don't. So you're a smelly troll. Who cares! No matter what you are, you'll always be my goober."

She couldn’t resist kissing him again, planting a soft, wet gift on his forehead. Gabriel beamed, a comforting noise not unlike a purr beginning to develop in his throat. He kissed his fingertip and gently placed it on her little cheek.

"I love you." 

"I love you too, fartso," Tatiana smiled. She nuzzled her head against his soft skin. Gabriel gently enclosed a hand around her in his best attempt at a hug, his thumb rubbing soothingly into her back. After a moment, she let him place her back on his shoulder.

"Your eyes are lookin' real sleepy," she noted. "You wanna hit the hay?"

Gabriel nodded. Tatiana secured herself on his shoulder as he tried, for a second time, to pat down the grass.

"God, this stuff is so  _pointy,_ " he complained.

Tatiana glanced behind her and gave him a curt pat. She made a swivelling motion with her finger. "Gabe. Turn around."

Gabe raised a brow at her advice, but gradually he shifted until he was facing the other way, his tail naturally rising up into the air with his manoeuvre. He started to question this endeavour... but then they both heard the crunching of flopping grass. Gabe's stink-covered rump had wilted it perfectly.

The troll grinned. "Hey, neat! How'd you know that would happen?"

"Lucky guess," Ti replied drily, rolling her eyes.

Gabriel lay down and made himself comfortable. The night air had rolled in, breezy and cooling. Tatiana relaxed in her boyfriend's natural warmth. She tugged on his sweaty shirt collar and pulled it up over her, so it was covering her body like a blanket. Gabe's tail curled into his side as he relaxed.

"Night, Gabe," she yawned and snuggled into him.

"Night, Ti."

Gabriel closed his eyes and settled... for the moment. His leg kept twitching, and Tatiana could hear him and his stomachs starting to whine.

She sighed. 

"You still gotta cut the cheese, don't you?"

"What kinda spices  _are_  these?" Gabriel groaned sharply, holding his aching stomach. It gurgled in agony. He glanced shyly at Tatiana. "I... uh. Didn't wanna ruin a tender moment."

"Oh, so  _now_  you care!” she exclaimed. "Guess the Grove didn't count as a tender moment, huh?"

Tatiana let him writhe for a moment longer before patting his neck.

"It's okay, sweetie. Go ahead."

"You sure?"

"I don't think I have a choice here," Ti laughed and lay back down. "Fire aw—"

Gabriel's tail had barely made it into the air when he farted explosively, a rumbling ripple jetting out of his jeans. Tatiana heard several birds shriek in surprise when the foul, wet trumpets sounded across the forest. Her flatulent boyfriend exhaled as he passed an ocean's worth of gas, rubbing his stomach until it was all out.

Tatiana whistled at the sulphurous stench that it left behind.

"Aw, jeez, Gabe,” she plugged her nose, eyes watering at her boyfriend’s repulsive brand. She shivered at the lingering taste in her mouth. “ _Yuck!_  At least we don't have to worry about anybody sneaking up on us. You’ll scare the..."

There was no use. Gabriel had already continued to fart.

As another brassy bluster entered the atmosphere, it dawned on Tatiana that he was not stopping anytime soon. He had even started snoring.

She rolled her eyes and snorted as she retreated into her sleeping position. "Sweet dreams, Gabriel," she murmured. 

Maybe things would smell better in the morning.  
  
**BBRRRRBBRRRRPP _PRRRRP!_**  
  
...or maybe not.


End file.
